What do you want? Tell me why you are bothering us! Immediately! Kfrush. Pretty please?

We're humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Humgah! Why do you think we wish to be classified by you? Hnsh!

Well, so we can set up peaceful dialogue, leading to alliance and trade.

We are trying to enter peaceful dialogue with you.

Oh, such a kindly invitation, dear friend. We are touched. Hoogah! Smersh! But we do not require your kindness! You think we need to take charity off of you? Your scraps of kindness? We need none of it! We are the great Vyro-Ingo! KSH-SPLEW! But it is thoughtful for you to ask, nonetheless.

What a goofy name. It matches your face. Or is that moving thing your hind quarters?

OK. Talking to you is clearly a horrendous mistake. Goodbye.

Uh, yeah. Vyro-Ingo, huh? Nice name.

Who asked you, vicious human-from-Earth? Did I ask for your wretched opinion? Prrrrrf. Still, it is nice of you to say so. Actually, we've always been sensitive about our name. Ktch-ktch-shew. But I care not what you think!

You guys are just way too much of a tragic nuisance. Get bent.

Ah, I just remembered an appointment. I better get going. Bye.

Uh, this may be a mistake, but I offer you membership in the League of Sentient Races.

Blaaapf! Huh-huh-huh-huh. I laugh at such an offer! Huh-huh-huh-huh.... huh. Splooosh. Yet I am touched at your heartfelt overtures. I abase myself for such wicked scorn.

Then you'll join up?

Join you? I'd sooner tear off my carapace and sear my sinews in the glare of an unshielded pulsar! I ought to blast you to pieces where you stand!

Uh, can I just talk to the friendly one of you? Part of you is a jerk!

Splew. Thoughtful of you to notice my amiable manner. Bluurgh! Insulting Earthling! I have but one voice. Are you accusing me of some derangement?

Naw. Yes. No. Yes. No. Heh, heh.

Yep. You're pretty damned deranged, buddy.

Yow. You are without a doubt the most repulsive crustacean I've seen yet.

Calm down and I'll tell you.

I'll tell you, but only because you said "pretty please".

What? We are deeply wounded to the core of our mucus sacs! We will never forgive so vicious an insult! We are your eternal enemy! Essschew. If that's not too much of an inconvenience.

Uh, yeah. It is an inconvenience, actually. Please don't become our enemy.

Your groveling sickens us, weak-kneed alien! Splersh. Well, maybe your knees are strong. We will give you the benefit of the doubt, knee-wise. K-shplew. No, we will crush you if you grovel again. It's the only way to quell our loathing of your apologetic groveling!

Please don't fight us. We're sorry.

Yerch! More groveling. We must attack now to make you stop your pathetic cringing!

What I meant was, we are humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

If you dare to attack us, we will blast you to a crinkly mass of quivering exoskeleton fragments.

We'll nuke you if you even try.

Well, well. The Earthling shows a bit of backbone, even if he hides it within a membranous pouch of mushy exteriorized flesh. We won't kill you. This time. Splorsh! Ooo, please forgive our hostile words.

Mushy flesh? That does it. You're chowder!

Are you, like, insane or something?

Aaaargh! No one may question our mental stability, genetic normalcy, or overall wholesome outlook!

You've got a rotten attitude. I'm going to make you eat those words!

Hey, we are doing you a favor!

Favor? FAVOR? If you want to do us a favor then kindly place your head into the nearest turbine and crank it up to puree! K-splersh! And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

You are cruisin' for a bruisin'!

That does it. I've had it with you. I'm outta here.

Ah...this is a joke, right? As soon as I believe you, you're going to insult me, right?

What? You wound us. We may look like the most powerful race in the quadrant, but we are really easily hurt by even the mildest rejection. Shplew.

Right. Sure. Liar.

Sorry. OK, you can join us.

Are you joining us or not?

Of course not. So are you joining us?

Join you? Join a creature so genetically dainty that you wear your spongy, pulpy flesh on the OUTSIDE of your bones, instead of the inside of your bones, where your guts could be safe? Never! Shooop! Oh, I do not wish to offend. A thousand pardons. Frappp! Sooosh.

That's the last time you play me for a fool! I'm leaving.

You're forgiven.

The only way to not offend us is to join us.

You think we care about offending you, you interior-skeletal creature? Gooonsh. You are wrong!

Forget it. Goodbye!

If you join us, we can help you travel between solar systems, and we can protect you from the evil Hegemonic Crux.

My crew are all linking themselves into an elaborate hoop-like formation in order to better laugh at you, and heap great ridicule on your "protection!" Cuh cuh cuh!

Please do not hold it against us, but we do not want to be involved in any conflict between your noble League and any of your enemies. Even at the cost of continuing to lack HyperSpace. We hope our refusal does not antagonize or insult you in any way.

We are completely offended by it.

Sershh. Good! Because we care not what you think! Shhhhhhptlbt. So you see, much as it distresses us to disappoint you, we cannot join you.

If you won't join us, how about some answers?

Oolah. We wouldn't tell you our secrets for all the batter-fried rock larva on Skorsh! Hsssssh. Skorsh is, of course, our beloved homeworld.

What do you know about the Hegemonic Crux?

Oh yes, let me tell you all I know. We know that they are a vast armada from another quadrant, led by vicious, murdering thugs who will stop at nothing to conquer all the gentle residents of the Kessarri Quadrant. Kshplew! In other words, they're just like you!

What do you know about the Eternal Ones?

What do you know about the Precursors?

What do you know about the Rainbow Worlds?

I have no answers for you, vermin! Only scorn!

What do you know about the galactic loss of HyperSpace?

Oh, dear, dear. Our ships are stuck in space where they were when the Great Problem occurred. We can't go anywhere. Blubhublu. Though the Hegemonic Crux has offered to fly us around if we join them.

I have no more questions.

Good! Now get out of our space! Shhhhhhpt. Please?

OK. I'll leave. I'll leave peacefully, as I came. Goodbye.

Make me, maggot-face.

That's the last insult we'll take from you, Earthling! Prepare to die!

That's the last insult we'll take from you, Earthling! Prepare to die!

That was no insult!

Don't try to lie to us! We know an insult when we hear one! Do you think we're genetically flawed?

Probably.

Kshplew. Oh dear. I'm afraid that answer will not please us. Haroogah! How dare you insult our genetic heritage! Die! We are your enemies forever!

No. Just nutso.

How dare you insult our genetic heritage! Die!

What? I commented on your sanity. Not your genetic heritage.

Put up yer dukes, shell-head.

I guess this was inevitable, given your complete lack of sanity.

Woogah! Get out of the way! We hate you! Hmnf! Oh dear. Did I offend, dear friend? A thousand, thousand pardons. I am so sad when I give offense. Do you forgive me? Please? Kshew! Well, who are YOU to forgive ME? Condescending vermin! We hate you!

Yechhhh! It's that revolting Earthling and his ugly ship again! The sight of you makes our gorges fill with digestive secretions! You and the Crux!

Look, we have no reason to fight each other!

We have every reason to fight you! You are repulsive! And foreign! And your maternal breeding lineage founder dresses you funny! K-smersh. If it's any consolation, we attack the Crux all the time as well. K-splew! And we have many other reasons to hate you. You have peculiar cultural behaviors!

Like sanity?

That's crazy talk!

How dare you insult our genetic heritage! Die!

You'll die, nut-ball.

I insulted your sanity. Do you think you are genetically nuts?

Die! Die! Die!

You attack the Crux too? Look, why don't you guys just pick sides? It must be killing you to fight BOTH the major powers!

Never! You are both ugly vermin! Smerch. I mean that in the nicest possible way. K-few. The only answer is that we must crush both your empires!

You're insane to take on both of us!

You'll get decimated!

Better that than ally with such a disgusting species! The sight of you makes our gorges fill with digestive secretions! You and the Crux!

I'd better be going. Peacefully.

I'm sick of you, too. Eat hot photons!

It's the hated Earthling! Die! Die! Die! A-shplew. Dear, dear. This is insufferably rude, but it seems that all the Vyro-Ingo must now battle you on sight until we kill you. Shhhuk! So die now!

Sounds good to me. The universe will be better off with fewer of you guys.

Wait! Why do you now have to attack us on sight?

Do not attempt to feign ignorance of the full extent of your heinous actions! For such an insult, I won't tell you. Ksheww! Though perhaps, if I tell you, you may be better behaved in the future. It's because you called us a waste of clear-blooded protoplasm.

And I'll say it again, you waste of clear-blooded protoplasm!

Die, die, die! We will always attack you on sight! Die, die, die!

Look, I never said that. I didn't even know you were clear-blooded.

We are not clear-blooded, you, you, you... clear-blooded Earthling! Schwoop. Oh, dear, that was rude of me. But you provoked us by coming close to suggesting that we might be clear-blooded, and therefore genetically flawed. Kssshew! But we know you said it! The Ploxis told us!

Sounds like something I'd say, but I can't quite recall it.

A lie! A lie! We know you said it! The Ploxis told us!

The Ploxis are trying to stir up trouble between the Vyro-Ingo and the League.

So?

Aha! The Ploxis. Well, they said you were.. um.. flatus-filled doody heads!

So?

So nothing. You are hopeless. Goodbye.

Not good enough, huh? OK, the Ploxis said you are, um... genetically flawed!

So two can play at that game. OK, the Ploxis said you are, um... genetically flawed!

Yeah? Yeah? Well, the Ploxis said you are, um... genetically flawed!

Arrrgh! Noooo! We hate them for all time! We will crush all their ships and grind their hatchlings to powder! We must hunt them down!

You can't. You have no HyperSpace capability.

Blorf. Oh, no. You are, of course, correct in your assessment. Oh, dear. No way to get there. Helpless, like sitting dung beetles before the insulting Ploxis! Schew! And you! You are tormenting us with reminders of our travel restrictions just to make us suffer! Admit it!

Yep. I loooove to see you losers suffer!

Die!

You do that. You can just wait for them to arrive, or you can join us and take the fight to them!

We can take you to fight the Crux. IF you join the League.

Very well. We will join your noble alliance of honorable races. Pblfpt. But we don't have to like you!

Wonderful! We'll get you on board right away.

You again! We hate you! You are our eternal enemy! We will always assist your foes, and harm your friends. Splush. If you don't mind. Kfrush. What do you want? Tell me why you are bothering us! Immediately! Kfrush. Pretty please?

Look who it is! The Earthling! Hello, Earthling! Hoogah! Has the rude, insulting human come back for more taunting? Earthling, the name of your planet sounds like a gaseous emission! Earth! Ersh! Erch!

Please don't fight us.

Pathetic, cringing, apologetic Earthling!

Yeah. That's hilarious, guys. Look, this may be a huge mistake, but I offer you membership in the League of Sentient Races.

I keep forgetting why you need to be severely pounded. Now I remember. Die.

I think I'll be leaving again.

You want a fight? You got a fight!

Look who it is! The Earthling! Hello, Earthling! Hoogah! Has the rude, insulting human come back for more taunting?

Look who it is! The Earthling! Hello, Earthling! Hoogah! Has the rude, insulting human come back for more taunting?

No. I came back to see if you will join the League of Sentient Races.

Coming back was a mistake. Goodbye.

Nope. Just to ask some questions.

Did I come back? Must have been by accident. Goodbye.

You know what? We hate you too. Let's fight!

It's him! The Earthling who called the Vyro-Ingo a waste of clear-blooded protoplasm! Kshew. It's hard for us to overlook a thing like that when the Ploxis tell us about it, you know.

Look who it is! A supposedly sentient creature that protects his strong, solid bones with his vulnerable, squishy flesh sac! What a genius! K-flew!

Dear me, I abase myself for disparaging the universe's many splendidly diverse physical forms. There is a purpose and wonder in all survival adaptations. Shplew! Like making the rest of us normal, exoskeletal life-forms look better by comparison!

Just popped in to say hi. Goodbye.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone heard all about the superiority of exoskeletons the last time we talked.

And you shall keep hearing about it! Only the mightiest genes could produce so fine a specimen as the Vyro-Ingo!

I have some questions.

Why are you always so hopped up on your genes?

Because the Vyro-Ingo have the greatest of all genes!

I see you haven't changed your bad attitude.

The Vyro-Ingo have only the greatest of attitudes! As we have the greatest of all things! H-h-h-splew! Not that we wish to cast aspersions upon other races, some of which could be greater than us, except in genetic structure, where we are the greatest.

Well, I have to leave. Keep up the good work, you marvels of genetic good fortune.

Um... whatever you say.

You know, that reflects a dangerously inaccurate understanding of genetics.

Sounds to me like insecure bravado designed to overcompensate for secret inadequacies.

Who are you to speak to the great Vyro-Ingo in that way?

I'm the leader of the League of Sentient Races.

I'm the guy protecting your wheezing and puffing carcasses from the Crux.

That is not acceptable! Kshlew! But, alas, I fear it is true, and thus, it will have to suffice. Shuk-shoo! For now!

I think I'll leave on that cheery note. Goodbye.

Good. Now I have some questions.

Now, now, let's not fight among ourselves.

Kshew! Oh captain, you are so very wise. We won't fight you. Splesh! For now!

For now? FOR NOW? You better take back that threat! Or you're out of the League.

Back off, Vyro-Ingo. Right now!

We're leaving this revolting League now! Good-bye, enemy! Die!

I think I'll leave before things degenerate even further. Goodbye.

Now that we have settled that, I have some questions.

Come on, now. We need to work together as a team, guys.

Heh. That's a good joke.

Shunk! I do apologize for besmirching the captain of our esteemed League with such an unseemly ejaculation!

No problem. Well, I gotta go. Goodbye.

Well, knock it off, then.

Apology accepted, fellow League member.

Questions? QUESTIONS? The mighty Vyro-Ingo don't have time to waste responding to the mewlings of ignorant hatchlings like yourself! Bla-hurg!

Although, upon reflection, a thoughtful colloquy would be a lovely diversion from the horrors of war that reverberate all around us. We would be pleased, honored sir, to assist in the answering of your questions.

What do you know about the Hegemonic Crux?

Oh, yes, let me tell you all I know. We know that they are a vast armada from another quadrant, led by vicious, murdering thugs who will stop at nothing to conquer all the gentle residents of the Kessarri Quadrant. Kshplew!

In other words, they are just like you! Skush! Oh, dear, I fear I have offended you mightily. How I do rebuke myself for doing so!

What do you know about the Eternal Ones?

What do you know about the Rainbow Worlds?

Shunk! We know nothing of any such trivia. K-floo! Though it is undoubtedly very important, in its own way.

What do you know about the Precursors?

K-splish. The Precursors are our history! They are not for the likes of you! All you may know is that the Vyro-Ingo are the closest species to the Precursors, genetically speaking!

How do you know what the Precursor DNA is like?

Ga-blagh! We will never tell you the secrets of our genetic heritage! Your fragile brain would never understand! Even though you are wise enough to wear your brains INSIDE an exoskeletal skull, such information would curdle your synapses on contact! Shunk!

Though actually, our Hierophants of Genetic Lore have never bothered to tell us how they know. But they are quite convincing when they talk about it.

If they have some sample Precursor DNA, we'd love to get our hands on it.

Never! The Hierophants of Genetic Lore must never reveal the ancient secrets of the Precursors! K-shew! In case they have no secrets of the Precursors! You know, I've always worried about that. It would be very embarrassing. Kflush.

Never! I have complete faith in our genetic superiority! I must! I MUST! I have no doubts! You are trying to shatter my faith, foul tempter! But I will never succumb to your seductive lies! Ha-ruff!

Though I feel compelled to point out that you did nothing more than ask a simple question that we have no answer for.

What do you know about the galactic loss of HyperSpace?

Ka-Floo! The loss of HyperSpace is the accursed reason we had to ally with you in the first place!

It's the only reason we must suffer under the command of a creature made of an external flesh sac covered with vestigial strands of protein extrusions! Ug! I think I'm going to involuntarily ruminate! G-flug!

There. I feel much better. But that is all we know. One day HyperSpace worked. The next day, it did not, and all our fleets were stranded.

I have no more questions.

But we have a question for you, flesh sac! Why do you assign us so few worlds? We want more worlds to colonize! Now!

You get worlds assigned to you by the same system we use for all other League races.

We want the best of the new worlds, or we will resign from this outworlder-infested League and join the Crux! Sqoosh. That is, if you don't mind.

If you don't like it, you can leave the League.

Shhhhhhhhhhhuk. Oh, very well. We'll stay in the League. Ka-rack! For now! Goodbye!

Very well. I'll give you more worlds. But don't tell the other races.

OK. I'll give you more worlds.

That's better. And you better do it fast. Skoosh! Please? Ploosh. Goodbye! We will wait to see if your actions live up to your words!

Good! Resign from the League! You're a pain anyway!

What? We GAVE you more worlds!

We noticed no improvement in your world assignments! We want more worlds!

OK. I'll give you even more worlds.

Look, we haven't had enough time to assign you more worlds.

Then why are you wasting our time? Go forth and find worlds for us!

We found a Vyro-Ingo Encrustation Matrix. What is it?

I hesitate to inform our most esteemed leader that there can be no such thing. It is with great hesitation that I suggest that you might possibly be mistaken!

It's got Vyro-Ingo DNA, and some proto-Vyro-Ingo genetic material as well.

Kshoo! NEVER! Impossible! Do not seek to arouse the fury of the Vyro-Ingo with our full claws unsheathed! Choke on your heretical remarks! Splooo. Though we fervently wish you only the best of health.

It's got your DNA, and shows signs of genetic manipulation. Aren't you interested?

No! Never! Stop casting aspersions on our genetic material, or we will leave the League! Shunk! Though we fervently wish to stay.

Get over your DNA already!

We found out that you are genetically diminished creatures.

We're leaving this revolting League now! Good-bye, enemy! Die!

Do you know what a Vux Encrustation Matrix is?

Watchoo! You waste my time with trivialities! A-shuck! But please keep asking. It's the only way to learn anything!

Look. We fused the Vux and Vyro-Ingo Encrustation Matrices together.

It looks oddly fascinating. The sight of it makes me yearn for Vux company. Let's go! Quickly! Let's find the Vux!

So, ah, what do you think about the Vux?

Kashloo! They are nothing more than another genetically inferior race. And they work for the enemy! They are less than the routine evacuations of our cargo holds. Shhhhush.

Woogah! What are you doing here? We hate you! Hmnf! Oh, dear. Did I offend, dear friend? A thousand, thousand pardons. I am so sad when I give offense. Do you forgive me? Please?

Kshew! Well, who are YOU to forgive ME? Condescending vermin! We hate you! Get out of our sight or die!

You want to fight? Let's rumble, sweet-cheeks!

OK, OK, just leaving.

We love you too.

We want you back in the League.

We are NOT coming back! Shuk. Though we do miss it terribly, and wish you'd apologize for your unkind words. Shoogah!

MY unkind words? What about YOUR... oh, OK. I'm sorry.

No! That is a miserable excuse for an excuse!

Forget it. Goodbye!

Well, it's all you'll get!

MY unkind words? You guys are far more unkind!

You are the ones guilty of ill-treatment!

How dare you? Prepare to die! Hurrk! Dear, dear. We hope you won't suffer too much from this.

Quit insulting us!

Never! It is too much fun! Hurrk. Though we are deeply wounded by our ill-treatment at your hands. Shoogah!

Oh, fine. We apologize. OK?

No! That is a miserable excuse for an excuse!

We heartily apologize for offending you, oh great, genetically superior Vyro-Ingo.

Groveling? More groveling? We hate groveling! Shhhhhhhoo. But it will have to do. We will return to the League. Goodbye.

Hail the conquering hero! We have rejoined our Vux brethren! We are eternally grateful to you! At last! Our race is complete again!

Wait! You look like the same Vyro-Ingo you always looked like!

Of course. Did you think our cells would change overnight based on new genetic material? We've begun work re-breeding a new generation based on our rejoined genes.

Where are the Vux?

Some Vux are on our ships, and some Vyro-Ingo are on their ships. We are beginning the reassimilation process by getting to know our long-lost genetically transposed twin selves.

Good. Ready to be friendly now?

Shuk! How can you say that we are not friendly? I'll rip out your nervous system and play it like a violin! Heh, heh. Just kidding. Got you going there for a minute, didn't I?

Glad to hear it. See you later.

We eagerly await the hour of our next meeting, oh great captain.

Shplergh! We hate you! You are evil! We will rend your entrails and feast on your genetically inferior race! Sploop. But first, we wanted you to know we have forgiven your insult to us. We are sorry that we must kill you anyway. Blorgoo! Prepare to die, soft and squishy meat-lump.

Do you know if the Ivory Sheath is here?

We hate you and your Sheath! Sploosh. Though we must admit with great disgrace that we have no notion of what this Ivory Sheath is. K-floo! We can no longer stand to look at you, and must now destroy you on sight.

For thick-skinned creatures, you sure are thin-skinned. Heh. Goodbye.

Look, we are humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace, OK? How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Oh, great leader of the League, I would not speak of this, except that your question stirs me. I fear I must confess a yearning, burning desire for the Vux ever since I first processed sensory information about them.

My appendages involuntarily twitched and whistled uncontrollably with anticipation and desire. I became aware of a hole in the deepest recesses of my viscera. A hole only the Vux could fill. Yet I cannot justify so unnatural a craving, so I must be silent, and speak no further.

Well you're in luck. The Vux and you were once one race. We can rejoin you.

Isn't that interesting. Well, well, well.

Kshloo! Never! We are complete! The greatest of all races needs nothing else! Ever! No rejoining! No! I forbid it! Shooo. But it would be lovely if you could try.

What? Is rejoining something you want or not?

Can you possibly be more confusing?

Oh yes, please. If we could only have an end to this persistent emptiness. An end to this endless void. A peace and a wholeness. Shakoo!

Never! I forbid it! I.. I... Shoooooo. Please, Captain. Help us. Ask no more! Only help us! You are the salvation of the Vyro-Ingo! But hurry! I cannot suppress my rage for long!

OK. I think I have the answer now. I know what to do.

Boy. You are just a NUT!

I'm on my way! Goodbye.