It is the legendary Earth Captain! A grand celebration is in order! You found our location and arrived, exactly as the Ultron predicted.

Even though your Warp Bubble Transport sent us to an unknown star system, you still found us in the manner the Ultron foresaw. I am High Proctor Borogarl, and I officially announce festivities in your honor! Many Utwig now bow before you and offer their profuse greetings.

Profuse greetings to you too. I'd like an update on your status.

Our status is one of grim determination! Our factories churn at peak production to process resources and spew out fully-armed and fully-crewed Juggers.

I'm here to make sure you guys are producing lots of those Utwig Juggers!

Of course we are.

Quit celebrating and get on with colonizing!

Quite so. Consider us suitably chastised. But we have been busily colonizing from the moment we made planetfall.

After all, you will note that we have donned the stern and steely mask of Determined Colonization in Support of Galactic Integrity and Stabilization.

Acting on wisdom from the Ultron, we have steeled ourselves to continuously wear this mask, regardless of the dangers we face!

Even if we feel an intense need for the mask of Jubilation Over the Vaporization of a Hated Foe or the veil of Sorrow Following the Loss of Countless of Our Dear Brother and Sister Utwig in Battle, we will wear this mask and ONLY this mask, until our mission is complete.

How may the Utwig assist the glorious Captain?

Tell me about the Utwig Jugger.

Like the Utwig species, the Jugger is deceptively powerful. Though Juggers look squat and ponderous, in truth they are formidable weapons of war. Their miraculous shield can actually absorb power from enemy attacks!

Once the enemy has expended its arsenal in a futile frenzy, the Jugger is charged with energy and ready for a strafing run with its front-mounted cannons!

Tell me about the history of the Utwig.

Gladly! Were it not for the gravity of our mission, I would don the mask of Ineffable Pride and Glee Over the Recitation of the Miraculous Yet Utterly Factual History of the Utwig; Abridged.

The Utwig story begins with the early Utwig, who cavorted about our world of Fahz, completely oblivious to any sort of higher purpose. We took everything at face value.

But our primitive forebears were stunned by a collective realization! In a flash of religious insight, they saw that the face is the mechanism that expresses the many primitive urges that hinder sentience.

They immediately and urgently donned veils of every description! Hides, leaves, shells, rocks, even living drells. We have continuously covered our faces ever since.

You became MORE sentient from not being able to see each others' faces?

Yes. Liberated from the constant reminders of greed, rage, hatred, and lust, the Utwig were able to rapidly attain a higher degree of sentience.

What happened next?

We suffered devastating Morality Riots. Over many generations mask etiquette was refined into a rock-solid foundation of our society. Soon all Utwig were willing to don their appropriate masks and shoulder their appropriate burdens.

Once we resolved those issues, we were ready to meet our destiny. Our entire development as a sentient species culminated in the appearance of a remarkable device: the Ultron!

Members of the Druuge race discovered the Ultron. They were compelled by intrinsic universal direction to bring the Ultron to us.

What did the Ultron do for you?

The Ultron assured total and complete meaning of life for All! The Universal! With the Ultron in hand I can sense not only your motivations and desires, but your purpose.

I can act upon these things in ways that would most likely seem mysterious, if not, well, daft.

Within a generation, the Druuge will receive their reward for bringing us the Ultron. They will be changed forever! But that is another tale. You will one day herald your interaction with the Ultron as the turning point for your species. But that's all we'll tell you about that.

Uh, OK. What happened then?

For a time, everything was perfect. What happened next is, well, it's difficult to talk about. The basic facts are that the Ultron fell to the ground during the Chinz-Rahl celebration.

As it struck the ground, I saw its glow fade, and then the painful void incapacitated all. The Utwig immediately sank into a deep depression, and donned masks of Ultimate Embarrassment and Shame with a vow to wear them forever!

Many Utwig suggested that we use an ancient Precursor planeteering bomb to eradicate our species. But we thought it more important that we suffer first.

Before we could eliminate ourselves, you arrived, and repaired the Ultron! We no longer needed the Precursor bomb, and the Ultron told us to give it to you. It also told us to join with our close friends, the Supox, and fight your enemies for you.

While we repelled the Ur-Quan Kohr-Ah, you used our bomb to destroy the Ur-Quan's Precursor battleship, the Sa-Matra! After that, Utwig society became a paradise, as our race evolved toward a far greater state of being.

Then we agreed to come to the Kessarri quadrant, and brought the Ultron with us as a sign of our belief in this mission, and our faith in your leadership. Then, after the war began, the Ultron was - oops! Sorry! The Ultron rightfully chides me for almost giving away too much.

What? What?! WHAT?!

Never mind.

Are the Utwig taking credit for my victory over the Ur-Quan?

Never! We would sooner reveal our faces than take personal credit for victory over the Ur-Quan. That credit belongs to the Ultron!

How do you know you are evolving toward a greater state?

The Ultron told us so.

That's nice. I have a question on a different topic.

I have a different question.

Any revelations from the Ultron today?

The Ultron tells me that you are destined to converge on the center of the galaxy, and face the ultimate evil that is trying to eat all galactic sentience.

Yeah, yeah. Then I stop their evil plans. I can see the future, too, you know.

The Ultron says that you stop them through failure! Hmmph. Well, that certainly seems cryptic, even to me. Wait. What's that, Ultron? OH! I see. Ha ha! Now I understand! You don't STOP them through FAILURE, you FAIL to STOP them!

Ho ho. What a silly misunderstanding. I see, now. You will be unable to find a way to stop them, and they will greedily devour their unholy harvest while you watch. Whew! I'm so glad I straightened out that little detail before anyone was confused by it!

Great. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Anything else?

The Ultron says that danger looms over the Supox expedition. Tragedy and dark places. Poor Supox. Our dear friends.

Yes. We found them dead.

Alas. However, we have already grieved for the Supox. The Ultron informed us that they were foully butchered for their sentience, but did not reveal the culprit.

Really? Does it say anything else about that?

A meddlesome old friend will unexpectedly return with bad news.

Anything else?

The Ultron says that the Vux are a very disloyal race. They pay lip-service, or rather, snout-service, to League ideals, but they hate the League, and seek to destabilize it. They seek to betray you.

Do you have any proof of such a serious accusation?

Yes. The Ultron said so.

Anything else?

That's all for now.

OK. I have a different question.

Come on. Can't that Ultron just tell me something USEFUL like what's going on with the mysterious breakdown of HyperSpace?

The prognosticating harmonics of the Ultron reveal a truth. We Utwig have done all that CAN be done to aid you. Our task must now be confined to directing the many channels of causation. Feel confident that we are using the Ultron to this end.

Oh, THAT really makes me feel confident.

Very well.

Tell me about the Precursors.

Before we had the Ultron, we had only discovered the merest traces of the Precursors. We once found one of their bombs during standard exploration procedures on a planet in our home quadrant.

But our direct knowledge of the Precursors comes from the Ultron, which says that the Precursors were the most advanced race in the galaxy. They were interested in other races reaching their level of development.

But they were forced to - what? Excuse me a moment, while I commune with the Ultron.

I thought I COULD reveal that. CUD? I'm sorry, but the Ultron says you'll find out soon enough. Please accept my humble apology for not continuing this explanation.

Very good. Keep up the good work, Utwig.

The Ultron's coruscations indicate that your future actions are laced with great potential! Proceed with our heartiest endorsement!

What do you know about the Eternal Ones?

The Ultron says even the Precursors trembled before the horror of the Eternal Ones. The Eternal Ones factored heavily in the disappearance of the Precursors.

Sub-Proctor Filbert in the Relations with Humans department informs me that this is going to seem painfully cryptic to you. I hope you understand.

Oh. It's you. We welcome you to... oh, never mind. Hmmm. I suppose, as a courtesy, I should extend an appropriate greeting. On behalf of the Utwig Proctors I truly hope, for your sake, that your day has been better than ours. Although saying this really isn't saying that much.

What's the matter?

We lost the Ultron.

Did you look everywhere? Think back to the last place you had it.

We have carried out an extensive search of all planets within our reach. It is definitely in another star system.

Maybe it decided to go for a walk.

No, Captain. Although the Ultron is omnipotent, it is not mobile. It relies on sentient beings for its transport.

If you love your Ultron, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never really yours.

There is more truth in your words than you know. Hmmm. That's odd. It was as if the Ultron spoke to me across the void of space. A chill runs through me.

Lost the Ultron? How?

To ensure the safety of the Ultron on our precarious trip to the Kessarri Quadrant, we outfitted the Ultron with a gravitational stabilizer, some concavity-detecting gyros, and a brace of ledge precariousness alarms.

We also covered it with some rubber bumpers from the hardware store. The High Proctors took their eyes off it long enough to recover from their exhausting ritual of Girding for Major Calamity.

When they tried to access the Ultron for the morning ritual of Regret for Excessive Ritual Revelry, it was no longer in its cradle. No one saw it disappear.

We should have been suspicious of the stranger wearing the mask made from a crude food storage sack with a single large, central ocular hole cut in it.

But we had an important ritual to complete, and we did not pay attention to whatever imminent calamity the Ultron was about to reveal. The High Proctors are worried sick. And we all are in a state of despair.

Are you quitting colonizing?

Are you going to commit mass suicide?

No. Our mission is too important. We must gird our loins and carry on, even though life itself is now devoid of meaning. Without the Ultron, all we do is not very effective, I'm afraid.

Though we embark on the Cycle of Mournful Obsolescence, we remember the Ultron's advice, and we do not re-apply the mask of Ultimate Embarrassment and Shame.

Why should I care? I should have known you wouldn't be reliable!

We have struggled mightily to heed the Ultron's advice and avoid putting on the mask of Ultimate Embarrassment and Shame. But your cruel words almost make us do so. We slump deeper into depression.

Never fear! We will get your Ultron back!

Thank you. We must work on new ships for you. Goodbye.

Shape up! Get production back on track!

I don't know if I can get the Ultron for you. It may be lost for good.

We go now, to sit in dark corners.

I gotta go. Goodbye.

OK, what did you do to the Ultron this time?

Nothing. It's gone. It's lost.

Not again! Can't you be more careful how you handle that Ultron?!

No. Not again. This is the first time we have actually LOST the Ultron.

Just hand the Ultron over, and I'll get it fixed.

We can't. It's gone. We lost it.

You have arrived at a most inopportune time. Collectively, the Utwig colonists are grappling with their great remorse.

Nevertheless in order to foster a spirit of good will within the League, we extract ourselves from our intense cycle of self-pity, and offer this greeting which, we hope, will suffice.

Hello. Do you have the Ultron?

No.

Then we must sadly say goodbye. Goodbye.

Guess I'll be leaving. Bye.

Here it is! Here it is! Your wonderful Ultron! We got it from some nasty Vux.

Is this a joke?

Huh?

No.

Taking religious instruction from a blinking gizmo- not THAT'S a joke!

Come on. Take it.

That's not the Ultron. That doesn't even look much like the Ultron.

It's the Ultron. OK, it looks a little different, but its unique energy signature says it IS the Ultron.

Come on! Take it.

What have you done to it?

I didn't do anything to it.

What do you mean?

All I did was take it away from the Vux.

It no longer sings to me.

Listen closer. Is that 'Melancholy Baby?' Yes it is! It's just singing quietly, is all.

What can I do to fix it?

It's ruined! We must return to our mourning, more inconsolable than ever.

We will search the galaxy to find a way to return the magnificent Ultron to its former state.

Thank you. We will persevere, even in the face of our unremittingly bleak future.

Oh come on! It's fine! I busted my butt to get it! The least you could do is say thank you!

You're welcome! I said, you're WELCOME.

If that's all you have to say, I'll just throw it out.

On Earth, we say "thank you" when someone finds our long-lost deities.

Your mockery drives us deeper into unproductive despair. We go now to listen to several thousand choruses of "Last Year's Utwig," and "Famous Blue Water-Repellent-Body-Garment."

Guess what we've got!

A hideous degenerative viral infection resulting in copious amounts of asphyxiating expectoration, lack of productivity, and eventual lunacy?

Close. Guess again.

Never mind.

Is it a dark, seething need to crush everything good and wholesome?

I don't think you're really trying.

You guys didn't get a lot of hugs this week, did you?

A new-found love of philately?

Are you legally allowed to ask me that?

Here's a hint: it's something you REALLY love.

Does it involve the slow dismemberment of cruel people who use their superior position to tease the weak and suffering?

No! It's the repaired Ultron!

We've fixed the Ultron!

We've got the repaired Ultron!

Could it be? Have you really repaired the Ultron? How did you do it?

Funny thing. Turns out the power switch was off.

Just a simple matter of scouring the galaxy for the right Precursor relics, that's all.

The Ultron emblazons images into my mind. "Approach the stranger music as if it were a new skin for an old ceremony," it tells me.

I can see this is a private moment, so I'll just go.

Sounds like it's broken.

Wait, the Ultron continues. "Join the discovery of interminable luck." Hmm, I don't understand that. What's this one; "bees eats oats for buttery enjoyment."

Sounds like it's still broken.

I'll just be going now.

The Ultron is not whole! It's still broken!

No kidding? I never would have known.

Utter woe and resignation to us! The Ultron is gained yet lost, repaired yet broken. Will you please finish repairing our precious Ultron?

OK. Hand it over. I'll fix it again.

Thank you, Captain. Here is the Ultron. Thank you!

I will get this Ultron working if it's the last thing I do!

Thank you, Captain. Here is the Ultron. Thank you!

Captain, please pay attention, because it is a struggle for us to care enough to send this message. The Mycon Deep Children deserve freedom. The Mycon must NOT be allowed to continue erasing the minds of the Deep Children.

It is only the tiny ray of hope that the League provides that keeps the Utwig productive. If you do not uphold the vital tenets of the League of Sentient Races and allow the Deep Children to go free, the Utwig will collapse into a heap of unproductive moping. Goodbye...

Greetings, Captain. We debated for a long time over whether to spend the energy to send this message to you. In the end, no one cared enough to continue debating, so we sent the message anyway.

We know that the Deep Children have begun their exodus for the Crux. Since you have chosen to redefine the League of Sentient Races to exclude the Deep Children, we now choose to also exclude ourselves from the League.

We found the final piece to the Ultron from the Vux! Is it OK now?

Yes. It is true. I can sense the Ultron across the seas of space.

Here you go!

Ready to use the ol' Ultron and be massively productive again?

No, Captain. We will not take the Ultron.

Noooooo! After all my hard work!

But why?

What is it NOW?

During our period of intense suffering, we reached the darkest levels of the abyss, and saw an unexpected light. We have realized that we no longer need to rely on external sources for our courage, and wisdom, and insight.

The Ultron never foresaw the future. Using it gave us the courage to trust our own intuitive flashes. We pulled ourselves out of the depths of misery, and resolved to chart our own destiny, rather than following any destiny outside ourselves.

We salute you for your work, and thank you profusely. And we will work for the League at FULL CAPACITY! But the Ultron is no longer necessary. Rejoice for us.

For example, even without the use of the Ultron, we can see the hidden Ploxis Precursor vessel in its galactic core hideaway at Highpoint. We're sending those coordinates to your ship.

What're the High Proctors gonna say about this when we get home?

They, too, will understand. How may we assist you now, Captain?

OK. We're just glad to have you back.

We are glad to be back. And better than ever. How may we assist you, Captain?

No! Take it! TAKE IT! I DEMAND IT!

Calm yourself Captain. How may we assist you?

Please work for the League again!

Ah, it is the most recently appointed Ultron Saint: the Captain from Earth!

We extend our sincere greetings to the remarkable being who returned to the Utwig the meaning for our continued existence, by nodding our facial appliances collectively in a smart salute indicating both respect and gratitude. How may we assist you?

We can harmlessly collect sentience energy and feed the Eternal Ones without dying! May we have a donation of sentience energy from you?

We will gladly contribute our sentience energy! We celebrate your brilliance!

You may proceed to Fomalhaut 5 for all the answers you seek.

Whoopdy woo. A new mask. What a big help THAT will be.

If the Ultron was so all-fired spiffy, why didn't it just warn you that you were about to break it?

How do you know it didn't? Besides, who are we to question the ineffable ways of the Ultron? After all, if the Ultron did not break, you would not have gotten our bomb, and the Ur-Quan would rule the galaxy! Think about THAT!

Sheesh. What happened then?

Thanks a lot. Those Juggers will come in handy. I'll make sure to load up.

It is the least we can do. How else may we assist you?

So what happens next?

That's good.

Thanks! Bye.

No. Goodbye.