Huh?

Is that all you've got to say?

Uh... yep.

Oh, OK. Fine. We are humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Hold on. We are humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

We are humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Uh... Please don't blas-tify us! Us don't wanna fight wif you. Us got a tuff schedule. Us got a lot us hafta do.

What? No, no. Classify! How may we classify you?

Uh, hmm. Uh... um...

What's the name of your race?

Oh. What a relief. Us is Doogs. Well, goodbye.

Wait! We're still talking!

Wait, wait. We're still talking.

Rilly? Us is? Huh.

Just passing through. Bye.

Yes. We'd like to know about your species.

We'd like to know about your species.

Hi, Doogs. We'd like to know more about you. What can you tell us about your species?

Oh. Um... Us is Doogs.

No. Tell us about your race. Tell us about the things you said you have to do.

Hmmm. Us hafta leave.

All right. Leave. Bye.

Jeeze. You don't seem very evolved. How did you guys ever become a starfaring civilization?

Unevolved is as unevolved does. Uh, us gotta go.

Ok. Bye.

What kind of stupid species doesn't know its own name?

Didn't you hear me say we come in peace? Are you stupid?

Aw... P'tang say Doogs is stoopid. Plokis say Doogs is stoopid. Dak-tak-wak-a-wak say Doogs is stoopid. Now Hoomins from Erf say Doogs is stoopid.

Doogs must rilly be stoopid. Us is sorry. Us will just go away so stoopid Doogs won't bother you any more.

Wait! I'm sorry. Don't go.

Hey, I'm sorry. Don't go.

OK.

Did you say your race is called the Doogs?

Uh...no. Us said, uh, let's see, us said, uh, "Please don't blas-tify us!" Uh, us said.. uh... "Us got a tuff schedule."

Us said uh, "P'tang say Doogs is stoopid." Uh, us said, uh... Hmm. Nope. Never said us race is called Doogs.

OK. OK. But you are called Doogs, right?

Um, yeah. Doogs. Yup. Well, goodbye.

So what are you called?

Um. Doogs. Well, goodbye.

Huh?

No! Tell us what you do.

Us live to work. Or wuz that work to live? I forget. Now us gotta go.

If you leave, we'll fill you full of torpedoes.

Oh, dang! Hoooo... Well, I guess us gotta kill you now.

I offer you membership in the League of Sentient Races.

Hi, Doogs. We have an offer for you. We offer you membership in the League of Sentient Races.

Let's not fight. We want to offer you membership in the League of Sentient Races.

I offer you membership in the League.

Uh-oh. Now us are in trubble. Us don't wanna be in trubble.

Why?

Us don't wanna be in trubble... cuz being in trubble is BAD.

I should have seen that coming. No, why are you in trouble?

What are you talking about? What trouble?

Crux say us get in big, big trubble if us try to join some "League."

P'tang, Plokis, Dak-tak-wak... Are you talking about the Crux?

Are you a member of the Crux?

Uh... Yup. The Hedge-a-non... uh... Hedge-a-hodge...... yeah, them. The Crux. Yep. Um... goodbye.

What can you tell me about the Crux?

Wait! What can you tell me about the Crux?

Crux is big. Crux is the K'pang, the Plotsis, the Dakpak...um, the Dakdakdak-a-dak, and, um, others. Crux is lots of tough guys that get Doogs in trubble all the time.

We're here for no reason. Just deliberately wasting your time to throw you off schedule.

Aw. Why you wanna do that?

No reason. Bye.

Because you are a member of the Crux.

But us can't help that!

Oh, Nothing. Goodbye.

Don't leave. Why are you in the Crux?

Hold on! Just why can't you join "some League" if you want to?

Why can't you join "some League" if you want to?

It's us again. The Humans from Earth. We'd like to know why you guys are in the Crux.

It a secret. Us can't tell you.

Sure you can.

Rilly? OK. No wait. Ploxis says it IS a secret.

Why not?

Cuz it's a secret. Big secret. Ploxis says so.

Well, who you gonna believe, me or this Ploxis?

Ploxis.

What's the deal with this Ploxis?

Ploxis are the big boss of the Crux.

What's the secret?

Secret is that us got ourselves in ... HEY! You trickin' us!

It's a bad idea to be in the Crux.

Us know. Us has to um... us has to go.

You catch on fast, Einstein.

Aw. You admit you try ta trick us into revealing big secret. Now us hasta kill you. Crux rules. Sorry.

Do you actually WANT to be in the Crux?

But do you actually WANT to be in the Crux?

It's us again. The Humans from Earth. Hey, do you guys actually want to be working for the Crux?

No. It awful. Have to work, and work, and work too much. Get too tired.

Well, duty calls. Gotta go.

OK. That's all I can take. I'm gone. Bye.

Hey! We'll let you leave the Crux and join us. Then you can work less!

So quit.

No, Can't leave. Not for long, long, long, long, long, long time.

That's a pretty long time. Why can't you leave?

Cuz of our big... wait! I can't tell you! It a secret. Us got to leave.

What an idiot.

We're not finished talking.

Us got to leave! Us behind schedule! Us subbosed to fight you if you slow us down!

OK. Go ahead. Leave.

Hey, we can help you get out of the Crux!

Hoomins can help Doogs by go-awaying. Hoomins get Doogs in big trubble.

Tough. We don't care.

We'll, we are the League you are not supposed to join, so I guess we better stop talking to you. Goodbye.

Us gotta go.

Uh-oh.

Just popped in to say hi and bye. Goodbye.

I don't think you want to fight us any more than we want to fight you.

You must understand that you don't have to be in the Crux if you don't want to be!

I want you to know that you Doogs don't have to be in the Crux if you don't want to be.

I'm trying to tell you Doogs that you don't have to be in the Crux if you don't want to be!

You makin' us late wif all this talk, and then us will have to fight you! Please don't make us fight wif you. Us on a tuff schedule and it would make us rillyy, rilly late. OK?

Please? Or could us come back tomorrow and fight wif you then? Us promise you can kill us all then. Please?

OK. Get ready to rumble!

What? No way. We have to attack your ship to prevent you from colonizing here.

Please? Us rilly, rilly will come back tomorrow. Please?

Ok. Goodbye.

What? No way. We'll attack your ship now.

OK. Us will fight wif you.

Huh? Hey. You're that guy. You're that guy that attacked that Doog colony for no reason.

We had a reason. We wanted that territory.

You a bad alien!

Must have been some other guy.

Wasn't me. Nope.

No. Was you. No other Hoomin from Erf in a Pre-cursing vessel. Stop attacking Doog colonies!

We'll stop attacking your bases if you stop colonizing for the Crux.

Us can't stop colonizing for the Crux. Till they SAYS so.

Then we can't stop attacking your colonies.

OK. We'll stop attacking your bases.

OK. Great. Thanks. Rilly. Thanks. Us don't like bein' killed. Well, bye.

Look. We wanted that planet, so we took it. End of story.

Sorry, but we need territory.

But us not at war wif you! You stop attacking!

We want the territory, and we take whatever we want.

Oh. Then us gotta fight, I guess.

This is impossible. Goodbye.

I think I'll improve the galaxy's gene pool and wipe you out right now.

Nothing. We're just leaving.

Hey. You guys are colonizing too close to League space.

Uh. OK.

I said, you guys are colonizing too close to League space.

OK. Sure. Fine.

Well, stop it!

So stop it. Go back to Crux space.

Just leave, OK?

Uh, no.

Why not?

What do you mean, 'Uh, no?'

You have to stop colonizing here!

Uh, us have to go now.

Look. There are MANY worlds you could colonize in the Crux part of space. You don't need to colonize here.

Uh. Yup.

So, it's settled then? You'll stop colonizing here?

So it's settled then. No more colonizing in this part of the Quadrant.

Uh. No.

Fine. Leave, then.

Look, you guys have to stop colonizing here, or you'll provoke a war.

Us bad. Us don't like colonizing here. It wrong. Us don't want war.

Neither do we. See? So you can stop colonizing here.

OK. Then. It's settled.

Uh. No.

Never mind. You can't colonize here.

Us have to colonize in your places. Even though it wrong. K'tang say us have to. Ploxis say us have to. Daktak-wak, uh, Dak-wak-hack- uh... everybody else says so, too.

If they told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Uh... yeah.

Well, you don't have to do everything the Crux tells you to do.

You don't have to do everything they tell you.

Uh. Yes, us do.

Look, this is just not acceptable. If you don't promise to stop colonizing here, we'll have to attack you.

Look, this is just not acceptable. If you don't promise to stop colonizing here, we'll have to fight you.

If you don't promise to stop colonizing our space, we'll be forced to attack you.

Us have to.

Then, we'll have to fight you.

Fine. Be that way. See if we care.

Wait. Why can't you leave the Crux?

Sorry. But why can't you leave the Crux?

Because us - Hey! I can't tell you. Uh... us gotta go now.

Us got to leave! Us behind schedule!

Us gotta go.

If you try to leave, we'll attack you.

Please don't make us fight wif you. Us on a tuff schedule and it would make us rilly rilly late. OK? Please?

Or could us come back lader and fight wif you den? Us promise you can kill us all then. OK, please?

OK. It's a deal.

Huh? Oh. It you. OK. Us came back. Like us promised. Us will fight you now. You can kill us now.

Look, we really don't want to fight you.

Huh? But us promised you could kill us now.

Well, what can you do for us if we release you from that promise?

Uh...nuffin.

Well then I guess we have to fight.

Yeah, well, look. We release you from that promise.

Uh... yeah? Rilly? Huh! Well, now that this Constructor won't be blowed up, us have more RUs to pay off our- uh. Uh-oh. Us better shut up. Um... Goodbye.

Bye. Keep yer noses clean, li'l Doogies.

Wait! What's that? Pay off your WHAT?

Oh, nuffin. Gotta go. Tuff schedule. Bye.

WAIT! We just spared your damn lives! The least you can do is tell us!

Oh. Well. In that case, you'd bedder kill us. Us can't tell you about our rilly big d- um, y'know. About that. Crux says us can't tell. So us bedder fight now, huh?

Go in peace. But we'll get you out of the Crux yet!

Um, OK. Bye.

Damn right we'll fight if you won't talk!

Naw. You can go.

Huh? Oh. It you. Um, us can't talk to you no more. Us at war against you. Go away, or us has to fight you. Ploxis say so.

Come on, we can be pals.

No. Got to leave so us don't have to fight wif you.

Ok, get lost.

OK, let's mix it up, dog-faced boy.

Then I guess we better fight.

Hey, we know all about your debts! How the Ploxis got you deep in debt to them to keep you working for them.

Yeah. Us must keep workin', workin', workin', and workin' some more until us finally pay off all our debts.

That's slavery!

Uh... No. The Crux would never do something like that. Never. Nuh-uh.

OK. If you say so.

The League can rescue you from the Crux!

Oh, yes they would! But the League can rescue you!

No. No rescue. Us hafta pay. Us agreed.

But they are tricking you. The more you work, the more you have to pay!

Oh. Rilly?

YES!

Uh... More work makes us pay more... Den us bedder work harder!!

You are too brain-dead for me to deal with. Goodbye.

No! You'll get more in debt if you do.

Hmmm...You right. Then us better leave now, so us can get an early start paying!

Ok. Get lost.

No! You'll stay here until you understand this!

Uh-uh! If the Ploxis see us talking to you, they'll charge us for improper fradernizing wif the emeny. Uh... enemy.

How much?

Look, us gotta... uh, what?

Oh, never mind. I'm done talking with you.

Come on! How much will they fine you?

Uh... five RUs.

You can afford that. I want to talk some more. It's for your own good.

No. It not good at all. Us going now.

Forget it. Bye.

Then I'll blast you!

OK. Leave. Good riddance.

OK. We'll pay it.

OK. We'll pay you five RUs to keep up the conversation.

But five RUs is a lodda money. An' wif us gettin' morer and morer poorer alla time, us can't afford - uh... hey! Wait a minnit... You'll pay it?

You heard me. We'll pay it. Just stay and talk.

Well, um, well, um, well, um... OK. I guess. I mean, I guess so. First pay up da RUs.

No. I'm leaving. Bye.

Here ya go. Five RU's.

OK. Well, um. OK. Looks like you paid us 5 RUs all right. Sure looks like. Uh huh.

Now, in addition to charges for fradernizing wif the emeny, us also get charged another five RUs for spending any part of a day in unproductive activities. Like fradernizing wif da emeny.

Oh, no you don't. This will go on all day! Good bye.

OK. Here's another five RUs.

I can't tell if you are a stupid lout or a brilliant con man. Here's five more RUs.

Aw. Thanks. Now us can afford ta talk.

Now that we have your undivided attention, how much do you owe the Crux?

Uh, oh, um, a zillion. I think. And at our current level of workin', workin', workin', by next year us will owe about two zillion. I think.

Those aren't real numbers!

Uh, rilly? Oh. Us isn't too good wif big numbers.

But you said yourself that you'd owe MORE! Why would you owe more after working so hard?

Cost of material from Crux store is very high. But that's the, um, free market. Ploxis explain all about it. Say that everyone else pays free market.

Doogs must be stoopid losers to not do good wif free market.

What a moron! Goodbye!

WHO else pays that rate? You're the only Crux race that seems to actually work!

Uh, rilly? Huh. But, it still a free market. Can't argue wif free market.

It ain't a free market if a couple of goons have all the power and can fix the prices!

Rilly?

Hey! What if you bought your materials from US! Then there would be real competition! You'd get out of debt, and we'd get rich at the expense of the Crux!

Us tried that. Tried to buy from the Vyro-Ingo. Ploxis said no. Us has to buy from Crux only.

Yes! A free market has to have free and fair competition!

Oh, well. Boy, they really cheated you good! Don't you see that they're ripping you off?

Uh...Naw. They wouldn't do sumthin like that! Would they? Hmmm. Maybe they would. But what can us do about it?

We feel sorry for you, but we can't help. Goodbye.

Work slower! Then at least your debt won't grow.

Yes, it will. Us get charged for unproductive time. Debt grows MORE when us do nuffin.

You're just out of luck.

Boy, are you guys in a horrible situation.

Yup, us is.

Oh, well. Good luck. You're gonna need it. Thanks for the info. We'll let you leave without a fight. Bye.

Yep. No doubt about it. Well, we have to leave. Bye.

Too bad. Well, time for us to destroy you. Battle time, Doogies.

All right. Leave then.

Hey. Could we buy your debt?

Uh, well... hm. No rule against it. But why you want our debt? Us hates it!

So you can work for us instead of the Crux.

Oh. OK. We'll work for you. You got a zillion RUs on you?

You know, on second thought, this sounds like a truly bad, expensive idea. Forget it.

Here, let me check. Not in this pocket...hmmm...nothing in here...nope, guess not. But I'll get it.

Ok. Bye.

Do you take installment payments?

Let's see. Each Doog colony has its own share of debt. You can pay each colony's debt, and get each colony on your side, workin', workin', workin' for you.

Cool. What about ships?

You get all the ships in orbit around them, and all the ships they make. But you gotta wait until you pay the whole debt of all Doogs to get all the rest of the ships.

Great. I'll start buying you guys away from the Crux!

Hooboy! Buy us now! Us make terrific birfday presents.

I'll think about this plan.

OK. Gotta go. Bye.

No way. Get your own RUs.

Fooled you! You think I'm crazy?

Just kidding, Rover. The League doesn't subsidize its enemies.

Goodbye, mean, nasty Hoomin from Erf!

I'd like to buy your colony, but you cost more than you're worth.

Dat's all right. Us Doogs know us not worth much. K'pang always say so.

Sorry, I'm just a little short right now. I'll be back later.

OK. Hoomin can come back when he is taller.

Well, how much does your colony owe the Crux?

Um, ah, I dunno. You hafta check our colony information.

Thanks. I'll check it out. Bye for now.

Doogs! I am here to buy this colony's debt from the Crux.

Hooboy! This colony don't hafta work for the Crux no more. Us work for the League of Sentient Races!

Oh boy! This colony don't hafta work for the Crux no more. Us work for the League of Sentient Races!

Welcome, my Doog allies!

Gee. Tanks. Them Crux was mean to us. OK. Us will work for you now. Oh - by the way. Us got a load of condaminated stuff. Anti-madder, I think.

The Ploxis told us to dump this stuff on a buncha League planets. Is us still subbosed to dump that anti-madder there for you?

What? No way!

OK. Us will just keep it.

Hey, is that anti-matter in a containment field?

Hey, is that anti-matter in a containment grid?

Uh, yup. Gots a big containment grid. But it mostly empty. The Ploxis didn't have much extra anti-madder. Lots of room in it for plenty more anti-madder.

We'll take that off your hands.

Um, sure. OK. Here. Us will be a good Doog colony. Us will work hard for you! Workin', workin', workin'. Off to work now.

Good luck. Over and out.

Well, let's get to work!

The faster you produce RUs, the quicker we can liberate the other Doogs.

Gee. Tanks. Them Crux was mean to us. Um... Us don't know how to say tanks enuff.

Well, you could try.

Tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks tanks...

That's plenty. Good luck to you. Over and out.

Well, you won't have to put up with that anymore.

Us will be a good Doog colony. Us will work hard for you! Workin', workin', workin'. Off to work now.

Now let's free all the rest of the Doogs!

I just officially bought the debt of ALL the Doogs. All Doogs work for me now!

Gee. Tanks. Speakin' for all Doogs everywhere in the yoona-verse. Tanks.

I officially relieve you of your debt. We want you as full partners in the League.

Unlike the Crux, we'll let you actually pay off your debt to us.

Hooboy! We will work, work, work hard for you.

Well, you won't have to work as hard for us as you did for the Crux.

OK. Us will get workin', workin' for you. Thank you. Bye.

Good.

Us will get workin', workin,' workin' for you. Thank you. Bye.

You're welcome. I've decided to keep the same debt ratio as the Crux, so you continue to go deeper in debt the longer you work for us.

Oh. Dang. Us finally understand what you was telling us. Us figgered out what a rip-off deal that wuz. Dang.

Well, us won't get suckered like that twice. Us don't care what us owe you. Us leaving the League cause you tried to cheat.

No! I was only kidding! You don't have to owe more money!

Ha ha. Is funny joke. OK. Us will stay in League. Huh. And you said your League was SO GOOD to everybody. Huh. Bye.

No! I was only kidding! You don't owe us any money! We release you from all debt.

Kidding. Ha. Big joke. Well, tanks, I guess. Goodbye.

Farewell, Doog allies!

Hooboy! Hey, boss captain! Doogs reporting for duty!

Carry on, loyal allies!

We have some questions.

We have a lot more questions.

OK. You can ask questions.

Tell me about the K'tang.

Us glad to get away. They bad. They mean. We build huge, good stuff for them, and they always say it bad.

We build huge pleasure palace for K'tang king, but do they say it good? No. They say it not good. But they still use it! Huh!

Whoa! Where is this K'tang King pleasure palace?

Uh, we build pleasure palace for K'tang King on ah... mmm... uh... Argus 5.

Tell me about the Daktaklakpak.

They hard to understand! They mean. They scream a lot, like "Saying One: You stoopid! Saying Two: Us smart! Saying Three: So therefore, you stoopid!" It no fun to talk to them.

Tell me about the Ploxis.

They creepy. Us afraid of them. They scare us.

Tell me about the Clairconctlar.

They big and tough, but not mean.

Tell me about the Harika.

Harika is scary, but not mean.

Tell me about the Doogs.

Huh?

We want to understand you. What can you tell us about yourselves?

Hmm. Us try to be good. Us always try to do what is good, but it is hard.

Never mind. Dumb question.

I have even more questions.

OK. What more questions?

What Crux secrets do you have that we can exploit?

Uh... Crux don't tell us secrets.

What do you know about the loss of star systems and the loss of HyperSpace?

Nuffin'.

What do you know about the Precursors?

They are our old, old, old folks from the First Litter of Doogs.

Us told the Daktak-gakgak about that, and they said it was impossible that the Pre-cursings would make such a mistake as to make the Doogs. Made us sad. But they wrong!

What do you know about the Rainbow Worlds?

Sure are pretty.

What do you know about the Eternal Ones?

Who?

The galaxy is nearing a time when it will be torn apart, and all sentient life could be vaporized in an instant. Do you know anything about it?

The galaxy is gonna blow up and us are all gonna vaporize? Darn.

To keep the Eternal Ones from destroying us, we need to feed them some sentience energy. The energy from your brains. Would you like to contribute some? It won't hurt you.

From our brains? Dakflak-wak-wak says Doogs don't have much brains. I don't think us has any to spare!

You're probably right. Forget it.

Your brains are as good as anybody's brains!

OK. You can have some senti- enty, senti, uh, smart stuff.

Thanks! Goodbye!

Us Doogs don't got time to talk. Us has to work too hard to talk to our libber-aters.

OK, we'll stop the meter for this conversation.

Um, OK. What you want?

We need you to give us some of your brain energy.

Forget about your debt, this is important. To save us all from the Eternal Ones, we need you to give us some of your sentience energy. The energy from your brains.

Our brains? Dakflak-wak-a-wak say Doogs don't have much brains. I don't think us has any to spare!

Well, it's not brains really, it's sentience energy.

Trust me. It won't hurt a bit.

You're right about that one. But we need it anyway.

Us don't wanna giv up no smart stuff to you.

Us knows our job! Us just has to pay off all our debt money! Us does not have to give up brain stuff!

Give it up, or we attack now!

Give it up now!

How can you say that? We liberated you!

You libber-tated us from slave-driving Crux all right, but now you are the slave-driver. You did not give us freedom. You did not make us full League members, like everybody else.

Everybody else gets ta be in the League by their own darn choice. You made us slaves to you. Just slaves wif better terms than the Crux gave us.

You're too dumb to have any sentience energy anyway. Goodbye.

For a dumb guy, you're pretty sharp.

Uh. OK. Shucks.

Pay up some sentience energy or die!

Nope. Not in our contract.

You're right. We apologize, and we release you from your debt.

OK. You're right. We apologize, and we release you from your debt.

OK. You can take some senti- um, senti-enty, um... brain stuff.

Later, Doogs.

Bye, Doogs!

Bye, Doogs.

OK. Later.

Nothing. Bye.

OK. Go ahead.