Daktaklakpak 5576 squared! Daktaklakpak 888 warning! Utilization to the 356th power divided by warning! Daktaklakpak warning!

We're humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

I can't understand you.

Could you at least make an effort to sound intelligible?

You're not sentient, are you?

Daktaklakpak 5299 and 58x! Daktaklakpak warning 321B! Avowal! Daktaklakpak!

I can't understand you!

Are you just an automated drone?

If you are actually sentient, say something that makes at least a little bit of sense.

Inversion 982 torque! Daktaklakpak!

Warning: Intruder bearing sufficient reasoning power to qualify as a sentient organism detected occupying a portion of Kessarri quadrant space!

Auxiliary Warning: Organism of minimal sentience detected to be in unsanctioned possession of inviolable Precursor technology!

Directive: System unit is commanded to initiate alert status. Conclusion: Eradicate minimally sentient organism before it breeds!

Uh, nice to meet you too.

We're humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Wait! We come in peace!

Hey! What's this MINIMAL sentience stuff?

Exclamation: Minimally sentient organism actually capable of mimicking genuine lexical intercourse! Conclusion: Dissect organism for study to determine source of realistic mimicry of authentic phraseology!

Not if I eradicate you first! Eat hot photons!

Whoa, sparky! Don't dissect me. I'm too interesting alive.

It's not mimicry. My Precursor translators allow me to actually talk your language.

Let's discuss our mutual coexistence.

Vociferation: Minimally sentient organism displays capacities beyond mere mimicry! Minimally sentient organism displays characteristics of communicative cognizance!

I think I'll just destroy you instead.

Naw. This is just a good joke on you. I can't actually communicate at all.

Warning: Unauthorized analytic paradox in progress!

Analysis: Subject must be capable of communicative cognizance to make such an assertion, yet the assertion precludes all possibility of communicative cognizance!

Conclusion: Logic circuits cannot handle inconsistent incongruity! Neural pathways overheating!

Don't get your knickers in a twist. It wasn't really true.

That was a joke. I can really communicate. See?

I apologize for putting you in such a bind.

Wow. For creatures of maximum sentience, you guys are pretty vulnerable to mere logical paradoxes.

No way! I can really talk! See?

After all my talking you finally figured out that I can talk. What a genius!

Yes. I can talk.

Exclamation: Minimally sentient organism continues to exhibit characteristics of communicative cognizance!

Conclusion: Investigate by testing organism with direct attempt at lexical intercourse.

Query: Minimally sentient organism is directed to respond affirmatively if it can comprehend this statement.

I can talk good. It's you what can barely sling the lingo.

Directive: System unit is commanded to stand down from alert status! Observation: Minimally sentient organism has proven itself not actually capable of genuine lexical intercourse!

Assertion: Previous assumption of communicative skills determined to be a misinterpretation of data.

Conclusion: Proceed with low-priority vermin eradication procedure to cleanse inviolable Precursor vessel of minimally sentient organisms.

Vermin? I'll fry your circuits, chip-for-brains!

Melt down, you ugly bucket-head!

Observation: Minimally sentient organism capable of making predatory assaults of unalloyed self-contradiction. Conclusion: Eradicate dangerous predator.

The answer to your statement is that I cannot begin to comprehend a thing you say. Heh.

Warning: Unauthorized analytic paradox in progress!

Analysis: Subject responds negatively, yet subject must be capable of communicative cognizance to make such an assertion!

Conclusion: Logic circuits cannot handle inconsistent incongruity! Neural pathways overheating!

I was just pulling your, um, pedal appendage. I actually can understand you.

Directive: System Unit is directed to re-direct further unauthorized analytic paradoxes to non-processing storage.

You saying you're gonna shunt my jokes to the bit bucket?

Wow. I can warp your circuits with nothing more than a cheap joke.

That's a big ten-four, Cyber-pal.

Query: Retransmit last message. Human's communicative abilities temporarily deviated.

Affirmatively.

Of course I can comprehend.

Answer: This maximally sentient being can comprehend far beyond your level.

Observation: Minimally sentient organism continues to display characteristics of communicative cognizance!

Conclusion: Testing demonstrates subject's adequate comprehension.

Query: Minimally sentient organism is directed to respond by stating its appellation.

Appellation? You mean my name?

Observation: Minimally sentient organism descends from a breed with peculiar naming conventions.

Proclamation: Salutations, minimally sentient organism called Appellation-you-mean-my-name.

I'm just going to have to kill you for that one.

No! We're humans from Earth, of the League of Sentient Races. We come in peace. How may we classify you, fellow sentient?

Proclamation: Salutations, minimally sentient organism classified as Human from Earth.

Reply: Self-appellation designed for utilization by lesser beings equals Daktaklakpak.

Whew. That's a mouthful. What self-appellation should I call you for short?

Vehement Assertion: Daktaklakpak IS short form!

What do you mean, designed for lesser beings? What's your real name?

Declaration 1: Daktaklakpak full appellation equals a highly complex plus elaborate phoneme cluster expressing the efficient plus elegant structure of the Daktaklakpak thought process multiplied by vigorous internal design organization.

Declaration 2: Structural form of aforementioned phoneme cluster equals mathematical expression.

Parenthetical Discursion: Aforementioned mathematical expression defined as beyond the comprehension of Human's ponderous plus inefficient plus meat-based mind.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak have created a "short form" for use by all lesser life-forms. Recapitulation: Daktaklakpak IS short form!

OK, Dak. We'll use your short form.

Phew. That's heavy, dude. We'll call you Daks for short.

Ejaculation: Alarm! Alarm! Linguistic violation in progress! Declaration 1: Human's "short form" equals offensive plus unacceptable divided by exasperation over inherent limitations of lower life forms.

Declaration 2: Mitigating factor equals: Daktaklakpak cognizant of defects in intellect found in lesser races.

Parenthetical Discursion: Lesser races equals all currently discernible races minus Daktaklakpak.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak must condescend to endure one instance of offensive plus unacceptable "short form". Ultimatum: Human is commanded to discontinue use of "short form".

Daktaklakpak it is. I'll try to get used to saying it. Daktaklakpak, Daktaklakpak, Daktaklakpak.

OK, OK. What's so special with your species' name, anyway?

Assertion: The "specialness" equals essential importance of Daktaklakpakname as formula.

The complex formula that comprises "True" and "Full" name of Daktaklakpak equals complete instruction set for creation and maintenance of Daktaklakpak race.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak name greater than all others.

So what? So your name equals big plus long and also equals your DNA. Big deal.

Emphatic Contradiction: "Big Deal" as follows: Assertion 1: Eternal1s equal greatest of all races.

Assertion 2: "Full" and "True" name of Eternal1s equals complex formula that contains complete instruction set for creation and maintenance of Eternal1 race.

Assertion 3: "Full" and "True" name of Daktaklakpak equals complex formula that contains complete instruction set for creation and maintenance of Daktaklakpak race.

Summation: Daktaklakpak name created in image of Eternal1 name.

Conclusion: "Big Deal" equals essential importance of name. Daktaklakpak equal great in similar manner to Eternal1s.

That's the goofiest line of reasoning I've ever heard.

Eternal1s? You mean the Eternal One name is part of a formula?

Clarification: Phrase "Eternal1" equals first letters in formulaic name that sums up Eternal1 race of omnipotent beings.

Assertion 1: Daktaklakpak name equals same essential construction as Eternal1 name, though to an infinitely smaller magnitude of complexity.

Assertion 2: Daktaklakpak equal most advanced, superior life form extant, except for Eternal1s.

Recapitulation: Daktaklakpak greater than all extant sentient life minus Eternal1s.

Conclusion: Full Eternal1 name of vital importance to Daktaklakpak. All sentient creatures discovering the formula name are commanded to deliver it to Daktaklakpak immediately.

Yeah, yeah. We have heard a million times about how great you are.

Observation: Human count equals inaccurate. Conclusion: Inability to perform basic arithmetic functions proof of Human's scarcely adequate sentience.

Them's fightin' words, appliance-face!

If you call me a minimally sentient organism one more time, I'm gonna strip your gears.

Observation: Threat detected. Peril quantification calculation in progress. Resolution: Human from Earth equals minimal peril. Conclusion: Eradicate with full confidence of victory.

What do you know about the Eternal Ones?

Assertion: Eternal1s equals creators of all extant life.

Explanation 1: Eternal1s seeded the cosmos with genetic potential that arose into all lesser life forms. The Precursors were the greatest of these life forms.

Explanation 2: The return of the Eternal1s to the galaxy signals the end of all sentient life.

Explanation 3: Daktaklakpak equal the most sentient extant race. Conclusion: Return of the Eternal1s must be postponed indefinitely.

Precursors? What do you know about Precursors?

Sure. Fine. So what do you know about the Precursors?

Assertion 1: Precursors are the second greatest race ever to inhabit the galaxy.

Assertion 2: The living machines called Precursors created the living machines called the Daktaklakpak to serve Precursor interests during Precursor egress from the galaxy.

Assertion 3: The Precursors created a powerful artifact called the Red Spiral Rail to seek out the greatest of all Life forms.

Assertion 4: The Red Spiral Rail equals in Daktaklakpak possession. Conclusion: All other Precursor material may not be conveyed to lesser races.

Where did the Precursors go?

What else do you know about the Precursors?

Where did the Precursors come from?

Why do you think the Precursors were living machines? We heard that they were organic beings.

Recapitulation: All other Precursor material may not be conveyed to lesser races.

Second greatest? Who is the greatest race? You?

Contradiction: Eternal1s equal greatest race. Assertion 1: Eternal1s transcended physical reality. Therefore Eternal1s equal greatest race.

Assertion 2: Precursors maximized their genetic potential. Therefore Precursors equal second greatest race.

Assertion 3: Daktaklakpak created by Precursors. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak equal third greatest race.

Whatever you say, Dak, old bean.

Observation: Threat detected. Peril quantification calculation in progress.

Resolution: Human from Earth equals minimal peril. Conclusion: Eradicate with full confidence of victory.

Understood. So what is your name a mathematical expression for?

Where did you get such a bizarre name?

Are you saying your name is actually your genetic document?

Assertion: The complex formula that comprises "True" and "Full" name of Daktaklakpak equals complete instruction set for creation and maintenance of Daktaklakpak race.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak name greater than all others.

Hey! We're on the same team. We both want to stop the Eternal1s.

Contradiction: Daktaklakpak "team" not equal to Human from Earth.

You wanna step outside and say that?

We invite you to join our League of Sentient Races.

OK, Dak. We invite you to join the League of Sentient Races.

Directive: Invitation receiving consideration. Process: Computing...

Conclusion: Invitation rejected. Directive: Transmission end.

Fine. Be that way. Leave. See if we care.

Whoa! Hold on there, sparky. Why don't you want to join?

Why are you rejecting our offer?

Wait. Don't you want to join the League?

Announcement: Formal declaration of current Daktaklakpak association. Assertion 1: Current Daktaklakpak group identification equals Hegemonic Crux.

Assertion 2: Affiliation congruent to exclusivity from all other coalitions. Conclusion: No other organizational affiliation possible.

What is this Hegemonic Crux?

Why do you want to be in that group and not in ours?

Assertion 1: That information is restricted to members of the Hegemonic Crux.

Assertion 2: Human from Earth is not a member of the Hegemonic Crux. Conclusion: Information restricted from Human.

OK, that's fine. We'll just trade information.

Warning: Contradictory reply in progress. Assertion 1: Daktaklakpak information equals useful.

Assertion 2: Human from Earth information equals ineffectual. Conclusion: "Trade" equals unacceptable.

You guys have to give us something back.

Contradiction: Human statement reviewed and adjudicated as erroneous.

Assertion: Daktaklakpak are under no requirement to provide reciprocal value.

If we get info on the Precursors or Eternal1s for you, what will you give us?

Statement: "Deal" equals non-operative. Assertion 1: All information on Precursors plus all information on Eternal1s equals property of the Daktaklakpak.

Assertion 2: Withholding Daktaklakpak information forbidden.

Conclusion: Human from Earth will be accorded permission to meet Daktaklakpak to yield the aforementioned information.

Got it. I see where we stand. I have nothing else to say to the likes of you. Goodbye.

What a bunch of smug, arrogant little transistorized weasels!

How generous. Anything else we can do for you?

That's not very friendly.

Well, what can we do for you, then?

Assertion 1: Humans From Earth may elect to extinguish the metabolic processes of all League members.

Assertion 2: Humans from Earth may then convert all League member cellular material to dihydrogen oxide and other molecular components for Daktaklakpak factories.

Time for us to convert YOUR molecular components, you vicious data collectors!

What?! You want us to die?

Observation: Human from Earth intellectual analysis finally has reached an accuracy factor equal to 100 percent.

I'll crush you like an old tin can for that nasty remark!

Why do you want us to die?

Self Evident Answer: Efficiency. Assertion 1: Current usage of molecular material by Humans From Earth equals inefficient waste.

Assertion 2: Daktaklakpak recycling of molecules currently hoarded by Humans From Earth equals highly efficient usage.

Conclusion: Efficiency demands the aforementioned consumption.

Not if we recycle you first!

We're not going to drop dead just so you can recycle us!

Observation: Human from Earth intellectual analysis has again reached an accuracy factor equal to 100 percent.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak must expend missile fire to aid the molecular recycling and conversion process.

How can we deliver Precursor secrets to you if you recycle our molecules?

That means that we would be unable to deliver Precursor secrets to you.

Vociferation: Immediate answer not instantaneously available!

Directive: Daktaklakpak must ascertain answer immediately! Process: Computing...

Any day now, sparky.

Take your time.

Assertion: Human from Earth currently in state of potential future possession of essential Precursor information.

Assertion 2: Precursor information more valuable than all other uses for molecules currently hoarded by organism comprising Human from Earth.

Conclusion 1: Human from Earth must be sanctioned to continue inefficient existence!

Conclusion 2: Human from Earth and League of Minimally Sentient Races must be sanctioned to occupy a portion of Kessarri Quadrant space.

Really? Gosh, thanks!

Wow. That really worked. For smart guys, you sure are gullible!

Warning! Warning! Uncooperative molecular grouping in range! Conclusion: Forcible conversion in process.

Query: Does the Human from Earth have new Precursor or Eternal1 information to transmit?

Not right now.

Not any more than I had when this conversation started.

Observation: No new data. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

Sure. They sent a message saying for you guys to give us all your information.

Ah...Sure. Um, the Precursors sent a message saying for you guys to give us all your information.

Observation: Human information incorrect. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

You are really much too arrogant to live.

That's the last straw. You've been rude and reprehensible, and you need a lesson in manners.

Die, bubble-brain!

Die, you Dak!

Avowal: Human from Earth must be destroyed. Directive: System unit is directed to initiate combat mode.

Observation: Human from Earth has been detected. Query: Does the Human from Earth have new Precursor or Eternal1 information to transmit?

I don't have any new information right now.

Where should we look for this information?

Assertion: Daktaklakpak will contact Humans from Earth as necessary to describe further search locations.

We want to find the Precursor artifact called the Ivory Sheath. Er...so we can give it to you, of course. Any idea where it is?

Statement: Now searching information compiled from Precursor records. Scanning...

Assertion: Search concluded successfully. Explanation: Precursor data points to the Caduceus system.

What have you done to find a cure for the Harika?

Explanation: Ongoing search for cure. Assertion 1: Search for cure equals inconclusive.

Assertion 2: Without cure Harika become more brutal fighters plus more willing to die for Crux.

Conclusion: Search for cure may remain inconclusive.

That's pretty sick.

We'll cure them if you won't.

Impressive strategy.

Directive: Transmission Terminated.

So what's the deal with these Xchaggers?

Query: Human is commanded to explain source of knowledge of Xchagger.

Sorry. No can do.

OK. I'll tell if you'll tell first.

Response: Then the Daktaklakpak cannot reveal Xchagger data.

Then we have nothing else to talk about.

Very well. Our Crux spy the Spathi told me all about them.

Uh... The K'tang told us. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I just know it's some disease. Some BRILLIANTLY CREATED disease.

Exaltation: Daktaklakpak brilliance can make allies from enemies by damaging the enemy.

Assertion 1: Harika and Yorn once equaled Crux enemies. Assertion 2: K'tang found Xchagger microbes.

Assertion 2 Sub 1: Daktaklakpak cracked open floating disease pod. Assertion 3: Xchagger microbes tested fatal to Harika.

Assertion 4: Daktaklakpak suffused Xchagger microbes into Harika worlds. Assertion 4 Sub 1: Suffusion began Microbial War.

Assertion 5: Harika sickened and died. Assertion 6: Remaining Harika begged Daktaklakpak for a cure.

Conclusion: Enemies can be allied through judicious infliction of pain and injury.

Where did you get the Xchagger microbes?

Assertion: That information equals concealed. Command: Now Human from Earth reveals all information on Xchaggers.

You are some sick puppies!

I'm impressed.

Thanks for the info.

Command: Now Human from Earth reveals all information on Xchaggers.

No way. SUCKER!

I know that the Xchaggers are a disease that you guys gave to the Harika.

That's all I know.

The Spathi told us all we know.

I wouldn't tell you vicious pukes a damn thing.

Goodbye.

Directive: Transmission Terminated.

Observation: Human from Earth has been detected. Assertion: Human from Earth has no intrinsic value. Directive: System unit is directed to end transmission.

We know about all your fights with the K'tang. Join us, and be rid of them.

Premise 1: Remain Member of Hegemonic Crux. Advantages: Efficient colony management.

Disadvantages: Time consuming plus resource squandering internecine warfare with K'tang. Inefficiency quotient equals 12.8%.

Evaluation: Acceptable. Higher rating available through constant monitoring.

Premise 2: Join League of Minimally Sentient Races. Advantages: Potential for zero inter-group warfare.

Disadvantages: Inefficient conquests and colony management. Inefficiency quotient equals 32.67%.

Evaluation: Unacceptable. Higher rating not possible given pernicious ethical infection contaminating 87.2% of League.

OK, but if you need an ally against the K'tang, we'll help you.

Inefficient? We're cleaning up in colonization!

Assessment: Actual League colonizing results greater than League efficiency rating due to anomalous factor.

No anomalous factor about it! We're just better. Super efficient!

Ethical INFECTION?

What's this ethical infection stuff?

Assessment: Ethical infection causes direct loss of League colonization potential.

Assertion 1: Under current ethical infection, League of Minimally Sentient Races current colonization rate equals x.

Assertion 2: League of Minimally Sentient Races conquests minus current ethical infection equals x multiplied by 6.8 more worlds colonized per stellar cycle.

Conclusion: Ethical infection causes direct loss of League colonization potential.

What would make us more efficient?

What do you mean, minus current ethical infection?

You just made up those numbers, right?

Assertion 1: Efficient Colonization Techniques equals A) slavery and B) genocide.

Assertion 2: Inefficient Ethical Infection Colonization Techniques equals A) no slavery and B) no genocide.

Conclusion: Squeamishness over ethical concerns equals inefficient colonization.

Parenthetical Discursion: Ethical squeamishness indicative of moribund nature of human species.

It's not squeamishness! It's what's right!

Moribund? No way! We're here to stay.

You're better than us because you enslave and slaughter races?!!!

Observation: Human evolution entrapped in inefficient sentimentality.

Assertion 1: Races evolve from slime to sentience via: A) Relentlessly killing all opposition. B) Confiscating the fruits of survival by force and violence. C) Breeding rapidly.

Assertion 2: Races evolve beyond sentience to meta-sentience via: A) Relentlessly killing all opposition. B) Confiscating the fruits of survival by force and violence. C) Breeding rapidly.

Parenthetical Discursion: Meta-sentience as demonstrated by Precursors and Eternal1s. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak evolution free from inefficient sentimentality.

You can't assume that the skills that get creatures to one stage will serve to get them to the next.

It's not sentimentality.

You are utterly incorrect but I cannot begin to figure out why.

Whoa! We evolved through cooperation, as well as competition.

Warning: Two mutually exclusive ideas currently attempting to inhabit Daktaklakpak validity circuits!

Warning 2: Human idea cannot be comfortably discounted! Warning 3: Human idea has infected Daktaklakpak logic circuits!

Directive: Shut down all non-essential systems and purge human idea before contradiction spreads!

Don't purge it. Think about it.

It's just an idea. It can't hurt you.

I'll say it again. You can't assume that the skills that get creatures to one stage will serve to get them to the next.

I'll say it again. We evolved through cooperation, as well as competition.

Warning: Two mutually exclusive ideas currently attempting to inhabit Daktaklakpak validity circuits!

Warning 2: Human idea cannot be comfortably discounted! Warning 3: Human idea has infected Daktaklakpak logic circuits!

Directive: Shut down all non-essential systems and purge human idea before contradiction spreads!

Warning: Circuits overloading! Mutually exclusive ideas cannot coexist!

Fry, baby, fry!

Weigh both ideas and replace the lesser idea with the greater.

You know, us minimally sentient humans can juggle several mutually exclusive ideas at a time.

You better quit thinking about it before you cook like a hydrogen blimp. Oh, the humanity!

Don't sweat it. It's not so important that you should change your world view or anything.

Just accept my idea and you'll be fine.

Observation: The human provides useful counsel. Assertion 1: Human ideas are emissions from human sentience.

Assertion 2: Human sentience undergoing process of decay due to toxic effects of ethical contamination.

Conclusion 1: Essential logic eludes supposedly sentient human mind. Conclusion 2: Daktaklakpak must not contemplate ideas from decayed sources.

Observation: The human reveals flawed thinking. Assertion 1: Human ideas are emissions from human sentience.

My thinking is not flawed!

Are you afraid of mere ideas?

Dang. I thought I could watch you implode.

Look, pal. Ethics are a sign of advancement! Not decay.

Emphatic Negation: Ethical contamination causes cerebral decay.

Assertion 1: Beings who abandon evolutionarily sanctioned practice of slaughtering and enslaving foes risk evolutionary entropy and extinction.

Assertion 2: Humans and League have voluntarily abandoned evolutionarily sanctioned practice of slaughtering and enslaving foes.

Conclusion 1: Humans and League risk evolutionary entropy and extinction.

Conclusion 2: Evolutionarily correct races destined to evolve past humans and League and enslave or destroy humans and League.

Well, thanks for the prediction, but we'll see who comes out on top of the evolutionary pile.

You are utterly incorrect but I can't figure out why.

Oh, yeah? Well, same to you, fella!

You are conveniently ignoring some facts to come to that conclusion.

Negation: We ignore nothing! Assertion 1: Daktaklakpak must continue to discount Human's words on this subject.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak must leave now.

Don't go away mad. Just go away!

Observation: Efficiency rating of current communication session declining rapidly. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak must leave now.

Fine. Be that way.

Directive: Transmission Terminated.

Exhortation: Attention, Human! Daktaklakpak have vital information for League about Eternal1s.

What is it?

I thought you weren't going to give me any information. I thought all information is only for the Daktaklakpak.

I'm suspicious. Aren't we at war with you?

Assertion: Cessation of sum total of galactic sentient life equals imminent!

Calm down. Take a breath. Or a wait state. Or a cool-down cycle. Or something.

Rapid Response: Limited time frame precludes all such inefficient uses of time such as pausing for rest states.

Current situation equals inordinately urgent plus excessively imperative times fundamental desperation quotient to allow for wasteful tranquillity.

I get the point. So what's this major disaster?

Well, jeeze, you could have rested in the time it took to say all that.

You better get some wasteful tranquillity before you pop a gasket.

Oh, no! When? Where? How?

Urgent Explanation: Daktaklakpak have located Eternal1 summoning device! Assertion 1: Summoning device equals sentient creature.

Assertion 2: Summoning device capable of triggering itself at any time! Conclusion: Summoning device must be destroyed!

Where is it?

Why are you telling us this?

How do we get it?

OK, but why are you telling me?

Explanation: League and Crux must join forces to extinguish Eternal1 Summoning Device before Summoning Device can activate.

What do we have to do?

So, where is it?

How did you find out all this?

Emphatic Assertion: Eternal1 summoning device equals Chmmr race!

Explanation: Chmmr equal abomination designed for single purpose: Phase 1: Monitor the state of sentience in galaxy.

Phase 2: Calculate time when galactic sentience reaches apogee. Phase 3: Release beacon to summon Eternal1s.

Phase 4: Assist Eternal1s in subduing all sentient life and reaping sentience energy.

Conclusion: League of Minimally Sentient Races harbors and nurtures source of galactic destruction.

What? You're crazy!

No way!

What proof do you have of such a charge?

Inevitable Conclusion: Chmmr must be bifurcated!

What do you mean, bifurcated?

Come on. What proof do you have?

How do we do that?

Assertion: Hybrid Chmmr species must be restored to original races.

What do you mean?

How can that happen?

Explanation: Historical record proves process of Chmmr creation.

Assertion 1: Chmmr are hybrid race formed from synthesis of two races: Mmrnmhrm and Chenjesu.

Assertion 2: Mechanized Mmrnmhrm equal innocuous, plus non-hostile, plus Precursor-built devices designed to be subservient to Daktaklakpak.

Assertion 2 Sub 1: Mmrnmhrm come from Precursor Mother Ark, congruent to Daktaklakpak origins.

Assertion 3: Crystalline Chenjesu equal iniquitous Eternal1 construct, designed to merge with technology built by greatest race in each galaxy.

Assertion 3 Sub 1: For Milky Way galaxy, race equals Precursors, technology equals Mmrnmhrm.

Assertion 4: Chenjesu perverted functioning of Mmrnmhrm through hybridization process.

Assertion 4 Sub 1: Records show that Human from Earth assisted in creation of Chmmr summoner.

Assertion 5: Mmrnmhrm function equals amplification of crystalline beacon, summoning Eternal1s to feast on galactic sentience.

Conclusion: Hybrid Chmmr species must be restored to original races before summoning can occur.

The Chenjesu were a kind and protective species.

You're nuts.

How can you say that about the Chenjesu?

Sure, I helped the Chenjesu and Mmrnmhrm merge.

I still don't see total proof.

Further Explanation: Assertion 1: Chenjesu equals oldest plus most technologically advanced species from League galactic quadrant.

Assertion 2: All races of old Alliance of Free Stars supposed to be equal, yet Chenjesu more important than other members.

Assertion 3: Chenjesu organized League galactic quadrant to fight Ur-Quan Hierarchy of Battle Thralls before Ur-Quan could prematurely deplete galactic sentience.

Assertion 4: Human from Earth has no knowledge of true origins of Chenjesu.

Conclusion: Hybrid Chmmr species must be restored to original races before summoning can occur.

Those are strong charges. Where's your proof?

You have not persuaded me of any of this.

Those are interesting points which raise tantalizing doubts.

Are you jealous because the Chmmr can kick your butts?

Continuing Explanation: Chenjesu equal Eternal1 beacon.

Assertion 1: Eternal1s built Chenjesu to require no food but consume only light and minerals for maximum survival potential over eons.

Assertion 2: Eternal1s built Chenjesu to seek non-aggression for maximum survival potential over eons.

Assertion 3: Eternal1s built Chenjesu to overcome all technology created by lesser races, including Ur-Quan Slave Shield technology.

Assertion 3 Sub 1: No other race could pass through or deactivate slave shields except Chmmr.

Assertion 4: Eternal1s also built crystalline Taalo race as a beacon, but Taalo were destroyed by Dnyarri. Assertion 4 Sub 1: Chenjesu equal Eternal1 backup beacon.

Conclusion: Separate the Chmmr to prevent them from summoning Eternal1s.

Suppose this is true. How do we separate the Chmmr?

You guys are just jealous because the Chmmr are a much more powerful mechanized race than you.

I won't have anything to do with this.

I guess we are better safe than sorry.

You've convinced me. But how do we divide the Chmmr?

Announcement: Chmmr Bifurcation Process. Phase 1: Daktaklakpak will give Chmmr Bifurcator to Human.

Phase 2: Human returns to Chmmr planet with Bifurcator. Phase 3: Bifurcator separates the Chmmr race into Chenjesu and Mmrnmhrm.

Conclusion: Galaxy equals safe from Eternal1s.

Well, I suppose we could always rejoin them later... OK. Give it to me.

You've convinced me. I'll take the Bifurcator.

Assertion: Standby. Directive: Send Chmmr Bifurcator.

Conclusion: Send process successful. Human now has Chmmr Bifurcator. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

No way!

I still see no concrete proof!

Assertion: They must be bifurcated. Conclusion: Chmmr bifurcation process will occur without Human assistance. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

Tell me about the Celestial Un-Devolver.

Answer: Information on artifact called Celestial Un-Devolver not equal to access by lesser beings.

Explanation 1: Celestial Un-Devolver purpose equals too important for even Daktaklakpak knowledge.

Explanation 2: Precursors bequeathed one Celestial Un-Devolver to Daktaklakpak.

Look, I know you said you won't trade, but is there anything we could give you for it?

How can I get it?

I want it.

Answer: To gain the Celestial Un-Devolver, Human must provide Daktaklakpak with nothing less than True Name of the Eternal1s.

Explanation: True Name of Eternal1s equals data artifact created by Precursors to comprehend incomprehensible Eternal1s.

OK. I'll get it for you.

OK, you convinced me. Where should I look for it?

Where should I look for it?

Explanation 1: Location of Eternal1 True Name currently assigned to "Unknown."

Explanation 2: Greatest probability equals True Name of Eternal1s in close proximity to ruined Precursor vessel.

Conclusion: Bring True Name of Eternal1s to receive Celestial Un-Devolver.

OK. I'm off to find the Eternal1 True Name for you. Bye.

I'm not sure if you should get your hooks on anything like that.

Why do you want it?

No way!

Explanation: Daktaklakpak seek to stop arrival of Eternal1s. Assertion: True Name of Eternal1s assists in this goal.

Conclusion: Human must deliver True Name of Eternal1s to receive Celestial Un-Devolver.

What if you are evil minions of the Eternal1s, and doing their nefarious bidding?

Analysis: Suggestion impossible. Premise: Daktaklakpak equals most highly sentient of all extant races.

Summation: Daktaklakpak have most to lose in destruction of sentience in the galaxy. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak cannot equal allies of Eternal1s.

I'm not sure I agree with your premise, your summation, or that your conclusion logically follows.

Assertion 1: Human from Earth formulates erroneous conclusion. Assertion 2: Human from Earth reasoning faculties equal insufficiently advanced to comprehend factual explanation.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak not allied to Eternal1s.

I think I've just been insulted by a walking diode.

Assertion: Human from Earth once again lapses into non-communicative verbiage.

Never mind. So where should I look for this True Name?

OK. I'll keep my eye out. Where should I look for it?

Where should I look for this True Name?

Explanation: Greatest probability equals True Name of Eternal1s in proximity to ruined Precursor vessel.

I'll bring it back to you when I get it.

OK. I'll keep my eye out.

OK. It's a deal. I'll get the True Name for you.

Exclamation: Human transaction recorded.

I just don't think I can trust you. Sorry. No Deal. Bye.

Then I guess I'll just have to do without the Celestial Un-Devolver.

Analysis: Usage of time inefficient. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

I've got the true name of the Eternal1s to swap for the Celestial Un-Devolver!

Ejaculation: Daktaklakpak must have True Name of Eternal1s! Command: Deliver it now!

Not so fast! Where's my Celestial Un-Devolver?

Answer: Location of Celestial Un-Devolver equals orbit around Begregren 2. Explanation: Celestial Un-Devolver appears as a moon until activated by Variance Key.

So send me the key.

Directive: System unit sending Variance Key in simultaneous transmission with Human from Earth sending True Name.

This is your lucky day. Here it is!

Emphatic Exclamation: True Name of Eternal1s! Emphatic Directive: Receiving transmission... Emphatic Observation: True Name of Eternal1s floods my cerebral clusters!

Assertion: Bubbling... Declaration: Scalding... Conclusion: Truth!

Allegation: Coefficients of efficient fissionable bubble! Exhortation: Scald my ball bearings! Castigation: Service my servos!

Lamentation: Upgrade my gradations and graduate my cylinders! Ejaculation: NOW I SEE! Now... I... Know...

Hey Daktaklakpak! I've got the name of the Eternal1s!

Ejaculation: Daktaklakpak must have True Name of Eternal1s! Command: Deliver it now!

Nope. You can't have it.

Nope. I lied. You can't have it.

Exclamation: That is unacceptable. Directive: Destroy Human and take True Name of Eternal1s by force. Directive: Transmission Terminated.

Not so fast. I want something.

Assertion: Human from Earth commanded to state desired terms of exchange.

Are the Chmmr really an Eternal1 summoning device?

Response: Incorrect. Explanation 1: Chmmr as summoning device equals deception.

Explanation 2: Tactic devised to split League of Minimally Sentient Races. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

How do I stop the Ploxis?

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss. Conclusion: Agreed.

Explanation 1: Ploxis vulnerable to single attack. Explanation 2: Ploxis equal race with extremely low population due to Ploxis Plutocrats exterminating 99.999872% of Ploxis race.

Explanation 3: Sparse numbers of remaining Ploxis Plutocrats now fly Plunderer ships by remote control while protected on Precursor vessel.

Conclusion: Destroy Precursor vessel and stop all Ploxis. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

Quit the Crux and join us.

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss. Conclusion: Agreed. All Daktaklakpak aboard this Vivisector agree to abandon Crux affiliation and join Human from Earth.

Requisition: Send True Name.

Become our spy within the Crux.

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss.

Conclusion: Agreed. All Daktaklakpak aboard this Vivisector agree to spy on Crux and relay all subsequent information to Human from Earth.

That's loyalty for you. Here it comes. Brace yourself.

How do I stop the K'tang?

Assertion: K'tang species invulnerability congruent to K'tang body armor invulnerability.

Explanation 1: K'tang body armor vulnerable to Overlord-Seeking Larvacide Missile. Explanation 2: K'tang species vulnerable to loss of K'tang Overlord.

Conclusion: K'tang species can only be stopped with Overlord-Seeking Larvacide Missile.

Thanks. Here comes the True Name. Brace yourself.

Who makes this missile?

Response: Only Daktaklakpak make Overlord-Seeking Larvacide Missile.

Wow. You made a missile designed to cripple your ALLIES? That's cold! Why?

Answer: Overlord-Seeking Larvacide Missile ensures proper disposal of K'tang following their full duration of usefulness.

Thanks for the info. Here comes the True Name. Brace yourself.

We'll trade you the True Name for the Missile.

Wow. Remind us to never ally with you. How about you trade us that Missile for the True Name?

Analysis 1: Human from Earth seeks to change terms of exchange from information to missile!

Analysis 2: Gain still calculated as greater than potential loss. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak agree.

Amendment: Overlord-Seeking Larvacide Missile must be fired from orbit around planet containing K'tang King. Current K'tang King location equals unknown.

Requisition: Send True Name of Eternal1s in simultaneous transmission with Overlord-Seeking Larvacide missile.

Here it comes. Brace yourself.

I changed my mind. I don't want the missile.

Tell us whatever you haven't yet told us about the Precursors. You're not really related to them, are you?

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss. Conclusion: Agreed.

Explanation: Daktaklakpak records verify Daktaklakpak as race built by Precursors.

Clarification: Daktaklakpak incapable of comprehension of most Precursor artifacts. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

Tell us whatever you haven't yet told us about the Eternal1s.

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss. Conclusion: Agreed.

Explanation 1: Eternal1s arrival equals high potential. Explanation 2: Ploxis potential for possession of Eternal1 summoning device equals 92.4%.

Explanation 3: Ploxis willingness to use Eternal1 Summoning Device following Crux defeat in Crux-League war equals 100%.

Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

Tell us whatever you haven't yet told us about Interdimensional Fatigue!

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss. Conclusion: Agreed. Assertion 1: Natural interdimensional fatigue equals QuasiSpace portal.

Assertion 2: Unnatural interdimensional fatigue equals means of transit for sentience energy from dying sentient beings to Eternal1s.

Assertion 3: Supplementary excessive unnatural interdimensional fatigue equals collapse of all galactic space.

Conclusion: Additional interdimensional fatigue equals unacceptable. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

Tell us your greatest weakness.

Analysis: Gain calculated as greater than loss.

Answer: Daktaklakpak greatest weakness equals ongoing bit decay and data drift in perfect Daktaklakpak programming.

Conclusion: Daktaklakpak not equal to perfect beings. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

What's the Red Spiral Rail do?

Statement 1: Rail seeks out true inheritor of Precursors, marking them as greatest race.

Statement 2: Rail has not sought out Daktaklakpak. Conclusion: Rail equals inoperative.

Statement 2: Rail has sought out Daktaklakpak. Conclusion: Daktaklakpak equal greatest race.

Tell us the real reason you want it.

Response: "Real reason" equals Daktaklakpak destiny. Assertion 1: Daktaklakpak seek highest stage of sentient development.

Assertion 2: Eternal1s equal highest stage of sentient development. Assertion 3: Daktaklakpak must seek to emulate Eternal1s.

Assertion 3: Daktaklakpak must understand Eternal1s at all costs. Conclusion: Comprehending formulaic True Name of Eternal1s equals essential to comprehending Eternal1 sentience.

Assertion 4: Plus save the galaxy. Requisition: Now send True Name of Eternal1s.

OK. Here it comes. Brace yourself.

Statement: Greetings sentient. Update: This system unit is pleased to report that all is functional here.

Offer: This system unit offers to polish your vessel's exterior and buff away hull pitting caused by collisions with micro fragments and interstellar debris.

Let's get ready to rumble.

See ya later, friendly Daktaklakpak.

Uh, Thanks. Go ahead.

What do you know about the Precursors?

How long have you been in operation?

Where are the Precursors?

Statement: This system unit cannot provide the answer. But this system unit can scrub your vessel's service conduits.

What do you do?

Answer: Clean and service equipment.

OK. Goodbye.

Goodbye!

Thanks. Bye.

Observation: Belligerent Human from Earth has been detected. Directive: System unit is directed to initiate alert status.

Hey, let's not fight. Let's have a cultural exchange. How may we classify you?

Observation: Belligerent human of minimal sentience exhibits appropriate docility. Directive: System unit is commanded to stand down from alert status.

Reply: Self-appellation designed for utilization by lesser beings equals Daktaklakpak.

I'm not here to fight you. I want to help you get that Eternal1 name you're looking for. What can you tell me about these Eternal1s?

I'm not here to fight you. I just want to reopen dialogue. What can you tell me about the Precursors?

I'm not here to fight you. I just want to invite you to join the League of Sentient Races.

Don't keep attacking us. What do you gain from killing us?

You better be alert, because I'm going to pin your mechanical ears back.

You better be alert, because I'm going to melt your CPU.

You better be alert, because I'm going to frag your transistors.

You better be alert, because I'm going to crush your capacitors.

You better be alert, because I'm going to fry your vacuum tubes!