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Oh, joyous day! The Earthling friend is once again in our midst! Greetings and various apropos felicitations, Captain!
Welcome to the Kessarri quadrant home of the gentle and playful Pkunk, Children of the Cosmic Light, Hobgoblins of Joy, Seekers of Spiritual Truth... and other neat stuff like that.
I am Fezzer, eldest soul among the Pkunk colonists. I'll be your spiritual advisor for this mission. Auspicious portents and serendipitous omens have foretold your arrival.
That, and you told us you would be stopping by to check in on us after we took our magic carpet ride to the Kessarri Quadrant on your Warp Bubble Express.
And here you are! Like the Riffle bird that scatters its eggs to other nests and then jealously snatches them all back, you've tossed the League's ships to the cosmic winds, and then come back to redeem us.
When you say such adorable things, we cannot help but love you.
Our status is joy. Sheer joy for all. Share our joy. Share our love. Are we not Pkunk? Yes, I said we were and so we are. Ha, ha! I must laugh and sing for the sheer joy of it! This is our way.
Our love gushes forth in return, O-sublime-Captain-with-the-shiny-bits-in-his-aura.
Our colony is rising and advancing as an entire loving group through many cycles of sweet surrender to both our base urges and our highest spiritual longings.
We dream and trance together, that all our spirits may rise as one big soul, with smooth edges and no lumps!
We know what you want to hear, Captain. We are not known throughout the galactic sector as powerful psychics for nothing! Of course, we also know the answer to your next question, but we enjoy conversation so much, we'll wait for you to ask it.
We KNOW what you want to know, but we TELL you what you NEED to know. Information on all those material resources and other thing-a-ma-jigs are so much silly debris.
Ships? I look into your soul, and I see many, many ships. A trance descends upon me, largely unbidden, I might add, since I did not schedule a trance until after my macrame class this evening.
In this trance I see you getting ships. Many ships. Many, many ships! Goodness, but you are going to go through a whole mess of ships!
Yes, indeedy-dee, but you are going to cause a colossal amount of ships to get blown up, immolated, fireballed, shredded, and otherwise annihilated.
Yes-siree! Lots of smashed hulks of twisted scrap metal languidly rotating through the chilly, inky depths of space in an obscene tap dance of desolation...
Once-pulsing veins of the crew members now spewing out countless tiny sparkling shards of blood droplets frozen to near-absolute zero...
Another hundred sentient creatures who will never again preen the pinfeathers of their offspring. Ah... Woogie! Where was I? Ah, yes!
Certainly you may have our ships. Since you are our friend- our GOOD friend- take all the Pkunk Furies you want! We'll fill them with crew right away!
Why, of course, blessed, silly Captain. We are not just along for the ride. We are willing to do our part for the cause of your enlightened League! Silly!
Good! Now let us discuss the mysteries of the universe! I was just reflecting upon them myself during my midday grubbreak. The Lush Hugefruit has a beautiful bloom, does it not?
The invisible fairy spirits caper within its fronds, and waggle their tongues in a saucy insouciance. Don't you adore the Lush Hugefruit?
I will have my nest mate transplant one for you immediately. We will water it in your name.
Your aura is now shot through with such crinkly stains of burnt sienna. But how could that be? That is a sign of annoyance, and we are having such a lovely conversation. That is a sign of some inner deficiency. What do you lack?
How may I enlighten you at this moment, Captain?
Ah. A wise question! But where to begin?
The Pkunk Fury is a small ship with a small crew complement, but it is filled with special magical touches guaranteed to excite you. It has a rapid fire mini-gun that spits a stream of dense, super-heated metal.
You can command the Fury to run past your opponents and make a lovely broadside attack, or spin in place while firing to create the ever-popular Death Blossom.
But wait! There's more! Since we Pkunk are in tune with the harmonies of the universe, we are always able to transcend to the next level of consciousness following the abrupt discorporation of our physical bodies.
If an entire crew chooses, they can reincarnate. Instantly. In the middle of battle. And bring their ship too.
Now you would normally expect to pay five thousand Resource Units for all this, but wait! There's more!
You can also command the crew to insult the enemy with many impertinent jibes!
Why, it causes us to create copious amounts of psychic energy!
Unlike certain other species, we Pkunk are an inherently peaceful and loving people. Combat does not come easily to us. In order to be at all effective, we find it necessary to whip ourselves into an emotional frenzy.
We are hatchlings of light, spiritual soul beings of the vast cosmic oneness, wayfarers on the river of destiny, students of the mystical dimensions, purveyors of blissful love, birdlike manifestations of glorious light energies from the astral plane.
Just off the top of my beak, I suppose I would say that our culture could be defined as the ultimate unification, or Oneness, if you will, of the extra-dimensional convergent-chakra being-energies, to form a togetherness self which both IS, and is NOT, a culmination of the now essence.
Though it surprises many to hear it, the Pkunk were once brutal birds of prey, oblivious to the mysteries of the crystal magic or the seven dimensions of psychic beings.
It was not until Weeny Wikki Beeki Birdi sat on the mystical egg of Icelike Temperature, and gave the Original Squawk "Rup-Rup-Rup-Rup-BGAK!" that our transformation began.
It triggered the Harmonic Oscillations that would lead us to become the enlightened avians that we are. But alas, not all our race saw the light.
Some of us were not ready for such revelations, and refused to hear the calling in their souls. And so the Pkunk and the Yehat divided into two separate people.
We loved our crabby and violent Yehat brothers and sisters, whereas they would open fire on our vessels on sight. Fortunately, our psychic abilities allowed us to sense the deep, abiding love and yes, even shyness in our Yehat brothers and sisters.
So we never gave up on them, even when, in a moment of spiritual impoverishment, the Yehat Veep-Neep Queen joined forces with the Ur-Quan Hierarchy!
But many of her people would not follow that path, and then YOU fomented revolution within the Yehat.
A light dawned in the barren landscape of their souls. Warring had made them blind to the powers of divination and crystal magic.
In the midst of a fierce battle between Pkunk and Yehat vessels, the Yehat captain Yagwo remarked that the brave Pkunk captain facing him reminded him of a long lost birdling.
After a brief period of re-acquaintance, they saw the error in their ways and welcomed us with wings outstretched, beaks stuffed with grubs! Now we are as one. The noble Pkunk have conjoined with their long-lost Yehat sisters and brothers.
And then our reunited race rushed to the Sa-Matra battleship to help you fight your way through the enemy ships and win the day! Isn't it splendid? It's exactly as our visions said it would be!
Why, yes, we... uh... wait... a vision comes to me! A shining light -- a crack in the egg! A swirling vortex... a tunnel. I see my past lives! Your past lives! More shining light! Ah, there it is now, the future!
It's coming in clearer. Yes. I see the fabric of space tearing open! The universe bleeds, as something wicked approaches. I see eternally dark and incomprehensible void beings that teeter on the border between matter and non-matter.
I see the eternally dark voids emerge from a dimension beyond dimensions to feed upon us all, and leave the cosmos devastated. I see you standing at the hub of an endlessly revolving wheel of light.
Each light is a star! I see you shake your infinitesimally tiny fist at the eternally dark voids. I see you employ many gadgets of ancient origin to forestall or avert the unholy feast.
And then... and then... excuse me...the vision occludes...And then... uh...
...And then the eternally dark voids suck up the psychic energy, and leave satiated, remarking to one another about the particularly savory and piquant bouquet of the local sentience.
Mmm, no, the vision is correct. Spot-on accurate. Also, you will give a race of machines that extra special feeling, if you know what I mean, and your lucky number is 23.
Captain! I was just thinking of you, and Lo! You appear! Ah, but I see you are not the least surprised by this, and why should you be? Amazing psychic occurrences are the daily bread and mashworm jelly for us Pkunk.
I am filled with love at the sight of you. Perhaps we can converse together, or just coexist for a few special moments.
I sense that you are cautious. You feel that you are not yet ready to enter into the fullness of our compassion. I say to you, Let go! You have come here seeking an end to emptiness. How may we enlighten you?
Goodbye Captain. When the crystal spheres once more rotate into harmonic union we shall meet again.
Although some believe that we Pkunk are the Precursors, we always shake our heads in that delightful way that makes our necks feel such a nice stretch, and say "If we were the Precursors, wouldn't we know about it?"
Though perhaps the Precursors were our spiritual forebears. We still feel the ripple of their greatness on the celestial winds.
The Precursors became sufficiently enlightened to know that all their great creations did not bring them salvation, and progressed to another configuration of being.
We have never met them. But I have a vision of them. I see these eternally dark voids emerge from a dimension beyond dimensions to feed upon us all, and leave the cosmos devastated.
I see you standing at the hub of an endlessly revolving wheel of light. Each light is a star! I see you shake your infinitesimally tiny fist at the eternally dark voids.
I see you employ many gadgets of ancient origin to forestall or avert the unholy feast. And then the eternally dark voids suck up the psychic energy, and leave satiated, remarking to one another about the particularly savory and piquant bouquet of the local sentience.
We do? Well! The very question produces vibrations! A wave of cosmic bliss enters me from my lower pedal talons, and runs along my hollow bones, imparting many messages to me as it travels upwards and departs my body through my vestigial pin-feathers!
It brings me the following footnotes from the Akashic records: space is both curved and not curved; the Ultron is in orbit over Erato 6; and your smile delights sprite-like interdimensional travelers, so smile, darn ya, smile!
Visions call to me, and I smell shifting waves of kaleidoscopic color, while silky shapes sound in my ears, as I taste harmonious sounds.
These forces of synesthesia inform me that the Ultron has been injured during its odyssey. The Vux were NOT in harmonious alignment with it.
But does the Ultron hate those Vux roughhousers? No! It does not. It loves them, and as a result of their brief encounter with the Ultron, the Vux will have their bodies reconstructed down to their very genetic material! Isn't that funny? Well, we think it is.
The damage done is severe. However, intelligent Precursor artifacts can assess the damage, and rebuild the Ultron from the inside out. I see... a disk-shaped -- no. A PLATE! A plate made of the loveliest crystal.
And I see a... is it a pretty marble candlestick? No! A FLANGE! A Marble Flange! And hmmm... this one is tricky. It shimmers like the most lustrous ivory, and it bends along a central axis... like a sheath!
Place the round base of the Marble Flange upon the Plate Crystal, and draw the Ultron toward the assemblage with the Ivory Sheath. That's all there is to it!
Hmmm... I can see the location of the Plate Crystal. A star called Buster... no, Booster... New Booster... New Booster 1!
Details, details. New Booster, Nebusta. What really matters is far more important than the names. Names are important for other reasons! And True Names are MOST important of all. Well, that was fun! Do you have any other questions?
Alas... Eighty nine. Seventy nine. Alas. Eighty five. Alas... hmmm... Oh. It's you.
We are... Eighty two. Hmmm? Zero six nine. Oh it's you. Eighty Four. We are not... hmmm... Seventy two. Alas, Zero six nine. Could you come back sometime in the next millennium or so? Seventy.
Alas. Eighty two. A wave of lethargy has washed over me and... hmmm... Eighty five. Alas. Seventy eight. Huh? Are you still here?
I thought I was tuning into the music of the spheres, but it's not music at all. Seventy one. More like a mad, screaming collection of scrambled numbers and... zero eight nine! Er...what was I saying?
Oh, yes! I remember! I remember! I actually- Sixty seven. No. Lost it again. Sorry.
Alas. Seventy two. It was monks... or was that monkeys?
It's all pointless. Alas. Sixty five.
Alas. Seventy seven. All darkness and void. Eighty. Our beaks open for truth but only void enters.
Alas. Seventy three. You cannot know. You must search your soul for that which is... Seventy nine. Oh, what's the use?
Alas. We have no answers. Only the pain of... ohhh. Zero seven eight.
Oh, Captain, before you go, we found a note we wrote to you before our funk set in. We wrote, to fix the Ultron, place the Marble Flange upon the Plate Crystal, and draw the Ultron toward the assemblage with the Ivory Sheath.
Oh, yes, one of these is on Nebusta 1. Oh... now I really am exhausted! Goodbye.
Alas, the glass, alas. Six eight... Oh. Seventy four. It's you again. Zero seven one.
Whoopdy Dee and Trolly Bazoo! What a good day I am having. First, I awaken from a horrible dream, to find I'm not really trapped in the mind of an insane computer.
Then, my nest mate surprises me with extra fat and spicy grubs for earlymeal, and then I am complimented on my fine brazier of one thousand delights.
To top it off, I now encounter the human friend, loved by all Pkunk, who has saved us, as we once saved him! Can things get any better?
No. It always gets better! And sometimes settles back a bit. And then gets even better!
We were all engaged in our mass meditation, our minds drifting free into the cosmos, peering into nooks and crannies of every curbstone and hedgerow of reality.
But we did not look in all directions before crossing a nexus of interstices and NEDDIE-BLANGO! We were run over by a bus.
Well, not really a bus. More like a sentient computer that had been driven insane by the formulaic True Name of the Eternal Ones. It's mental powers were so strong that when we crossed its path, we could not extract ourselves.
We remained in its grasp, seeing visions of a vast energy silo that stores sentience energy at the center of the galaxy. We also saw the Precursors long ago tinkering with the proto-Pkunk to save us from the Eternal Ones.
And we remained trapped in those visions until YOU saved us! You are our hero! And there are many invisible Peeky-fairies that were freed by you as well. They surround you now in a cozy, hazy, halo of snuggling protection from nastiness. You are so blessed!
Huge. Big snout. Sad eyes. Shaggy. Scaly. Worried. Lots of legs. On a desperate search for some vital lore. Starship like a circle... That's all I remember.
Better than ever. Just as the Sneegle bird rakes its talons over the razor beetle's back to hone its claws, so too must the Pkunk dash our tender psyches against the rocks of ultimate evil every now and again.
How else may I enlighten you at this time, beloved human?
How may I be of service to you, beloved human?
Yes, by all means, if duty is calling. Did you ever notice how duty always calls from a distance, while opportunity always knocks in person? Well, I'm sure we'll see each other again.
Perhaps when the stars are aligned in an appropriate configuration. Yes, my inner voice is telling me that that is correct. When the stars align, Captain...
Captain, Captain, we knew why you are here, and what you wish. We have assembled a massive delegation of Pkunk to provide you with your heart's desire! A surprise party!
Happy day of emergence into this plane of reality to you... But Captain! You do not look pleased. You now think we do not really know what you have come for! But we DO! Our surprise party present to you is our SENTIENCE ENERGY!
Splendid! This is most auspicious! You found a way to make friends with the greatest demonic force in the seven spheres, and even feed it lunch. How cozy! You are no longer a mere fledgling flapping your wings damp with amniotic yolk! You are a full-fledged seeker!
Run, Captain! Fly like the wind! For it would be a strange irony if all sentient life were to perish because you chose to banter too long with your admirable spiritual advisors! Fare thee well!
You can find Fezzer on Arcadia 6.
Alas... alas.
Alas. Alas.
