So! You probably thought I was dead... DIDN'T YOU!?
Well I'm not! I got away from the ship at the last second
and now I'm REALLY going to cause some trouble!
In fact, that's what the sequel is going to be about!
Yeah, that's the ticket! Me and my exciting adventures
as I conquer the galaxy for the greater glory of... ME!
It will have action! It will have drama!
It will have gratuitous alien sex scenes!
It's gonna be great!
What do you want?
I am a peaceful, friendly alien life form. The Ur-Quan call us `talking pets'.
Until recently, I was employed on a Dreadnought starship as a translator.
Then, after the ship suffered severe damage in combat, we crashed at Alpha Pavonis.
Miraculously, I survived, and was rescued by an Ariloulaleelay exploration vessel.
The Arilou could not heal my most severe injuries, so they brought me to the Umgah
who possess superior bio-engineering skills.
Oh... so you know about that, do you?
Alas, that means I will have to kill you now.
I can't permit you to reveal my transformation
the Ur-Quan might find out, and then my plans for revenge will be ruined.
Well, I tried to spare your life, Captain, but you were just too curious
-<SEEK DEATH AT THE HANDS OF YOUR ENEMY!>-
You are imagining things. The Umgah are fine, just busy, extremely busy.
That's why I am answering the `Caster today.
Argh! Why didn't you leave when you had the chance?
Now I've got to kill you in some really sneaky way
so that no one will guess I was the agent of your demise.
-<GET LOST IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD!>-
Good idea! May I just say, I am behind you 100 percent!
But unfortunately, the Umgah are all too busy to come to the `Caster right now
so... er... come back later... much later.
YARRGH! I will explain NOTHING, monkey-boy!
Your stupid curiosity has sealed your doom!
You could have left well enough alone. You could have departed this planet alive
I am afraid you have stuck your stiff, protuberant sensing organ into one too many dark holes, Captain
and now you shall pay the price!
-<GO GET YOURSELF KILLED!>-
I wish it were so simple.
I thought that perhaps I could let you live
but now I fear you know too much.
My plans for revenge are far too important
to be ruined by a simple, interfering dolt like yourself.
-<GO KILL YOURSELF IN BATTLE!>-
Argh! Why aren't you dead? Most unfortunate.
I will remedy this situation
<FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL KILL YOU!>
You are interfering with my plans of revenge against the Ur-Quan.
The penalty for this transgression is death, specifically yours!
<GO AWAY FAR AWAY AND PICK A FIGHT!>
Why do you keep returning!? Never mind, don't answer.
<LEAVE AND FIND SOMEONE TO KILL YOU!>
You're back again!
You are as stupid as you are durable.
Perhaps this time, you will accomplish your own demise.
<GO KILL YOURSLF!>
Aieee! I cannot compel you!?
Your mind is closed to me -- how can this be?! I am forced to resort to more primitive measures
Umgah commander, summon your ten combat ships and attack this intruder instantly!
Hi there, friendly starship Captain!
You will never believe this, but somehow, the injuries I suffered when the Dreadnought crashed
triggered some kind of, uh... personality transformation
I became evil and spiteful! Cruel and nasty! Whimsically unpleasant!
You may also have noticed that I gained some kind of temporary psychic powers
well I just wanted to let you know... I AM CURED!
Captain, I don't know exactly how, but when you were fighting those Umgah ships
a chunk of the ceiling fell upon my head and gave me quite a whack!
Ouchy-oochy.. it still hurts!
When I awoke, the universe had ceased to be the dark and hostile place I previously imagined it to be.
Instead, I was overwhelmed, yes, even awed by the beauty and perfection of it all!
I also discovered that I had completely lost those wicked mental powers
and could now look forward to a NEW LIFE, filled with happiness, butterflies, and goodwill for all!
Your job is done, Captain! You have saved me! You can now safely remove your psychic protection device, and leave.
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THAN
Why are you looking at me like that, Captain?
Don't you believe me? You question my word?
Okay, okay... so I was lying.
Big deal! So what.
Boy, you are A PAIN. Do you know that?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MY LIFE!?
You do? Oh.
Well, as an alternative, let me make this little suggestion
if you don't kill me, I'll help you do whatever you wish.
Is it a deal, Captain?
I get the basic idea that you seek to overthrow the Ur-Quan
Bravo! Good idea! Way to go!
I too wish to see the Ur-Quan beaten -- humiliated and destroyed
and I alone possess the unique ability that will help you achieve your goal
I can use my psychic powers to distract temporarily the Ur-Quan... confuse them for a few seconds.
Presumably you will use this moment to strike a lethal blow against the Ur-Quan.
Such a plan cannot fail, Captain. You must see that.
No tricks, Captain. No tricks.
I fear you cruelly misjudge me, human. I am on YOUR side now.
Together we will make a great team, Captain.
This day, this MOMENT shall go down forever in the history of our galaxy.
I am coming aboard your ship now. I will make a nest in the pressurized section of your ship's hold.
When you wish to talk with me, I will be there.
Captain, Captain... calm down. Be reasonable. Listen to me.
I am nothing more than a single being, hardly larger than one of your Earth dogs.
My only weapon -- my weak psychic abilities -- have been nullified by your protective device.
I am harmless.
But perhaps, I can be of some small service to you.
Consider my hopeful attempt to recompense you for all the trouble I have caused you in the past.
In the Past, Captain... and now we look to the future! To victory over the evil Ur-Quan!
I am your secret weapon against these tyrants, Captain. Do not leave me here.
Yes, Captain. I am a lying, boneless, toady dweeb
but I am YOUR lying, boneless, toady dweeb!
I will gladly tell you my story, Captain. Gladly!
I was indeed a Talking Pet aboard an Ur-Quan Dreadnought.
Those years are like a forgotten dream to me, because I was not sentient.
I was a dumb beast -- an unthinking slave to the heinous Ur-Quan!
Then there was a great battle... the ship was hit and severely damaged.
Slaves running through the corridors! Commands and counter-commands!
Then the scream of atmosphere on the hull and an explosion of light and thunder!
We hit the surface of the planet.
Then the next thing I remember was the face of a creature you call the Arilou.
I was in great pain, but it was kind. The creature did what it could for me
applying its own medicines to my alien form. I was transported off-planet.
I remember an all-pervading green light -- then we were at the homeworld of the Arilou.
Again, Captain, forgive me if I cannot be more clear, but I was still not intelligent at this point.
I presume my injuries were too severe for the Arilou to repair, or perhaps I reacted badly to their medicines
because I remember being moved back into a ship. Things grow dim
my next memory was being on board an Umgah starship, wet flesh surrounded me
the Umgah laughed as they worked on me. It was unnerving.
Suddenly, like the explosion of a bomb, thought -- REAL thought flooded my brain!
I don't know how or why, but the Umgah had discovered that my brain could be easily modified
and improved to restore true intelligence!
What they didn't realize is that it also brought back a flood of memories.
Memories of my species' ancient past! From before the time the Ur-Quan castrated our thinking minds
and transformed my people into crude beasts.
I am the only intelligent Dnyarri left in this galaxy, Captain.
Now do you understand my lust for vengeance?
It's all true, Captain! Every word!
Now listen!... and I shall tell you why the Ur-Quan did this to us.
It was over twenty thousand of your years ago, Captain, when an Ur-Quan slave raider
landed on the surface of my world, and began capturing my people -- killing those who would not submit!
How can I know this, you ask? These memories are embedded deep in my genetic structure, they cannot be forgotten.
How we fought the Ur-Quan! Even then, they had a Hierarchy of combat thralls
though then, they called themselves by the absurd name, the Sentient Milieu!
Ha! They were nothing more than thugs, especially the hideous Taalo.
Those evil rocklike creatures were the worst of all!
For fun, they would take one of our children... and then... roll over it!... again and again.
The war against the Ur-Quan and their Milieu lasted decades... millions of our people died
but with the forces of truth and justice at our side, we were prevailing.
Then the Taalo made their fateful discovery... a shield against our only weapon, our weak psychic powers.
With that shield, they were unstoppable... we had lost.
But the Ur-Quan were not satisfied merely with our defeat, our slavery
they wanted MORE! They wanted to punish us for our insolence at fighting back against them
so they devised the sickest, most cruel and perverse punishment ever imagined!...
they invaded our very genetic structure
and hacked out enough of our minds to lobotomize us for all eternity.
And then we were made their closest servants... their `Talking Pets'.
This was our punishment.
Dang! You are the most inconveniently well-informed creature, Captain!
Well, it was worth a try.
No! Please don't!
I am the last hope for my species! You cannot do this thing!
Hmmm! How interesting! During that last little threat, I noticed something WONDERFUL!
YOU DON'T HAVE THE TAALO SHIELD DEVICE PROPERLY INSTALLED!
Ha-ha-ha! Fool! You could have fired upon me.
Now, I fear, you will have to accept my offer.
I will join you on board your vessel. Together, we will exact MY revenge
and perhaps incidentally, realize your own plans as well.
Wonderful, Captain. I am so glad you have seen the light of reason.
I shall gather my few possessions, and come aboard your vessel immediately.
When you wish to talk with me, I will be in your ship's hold.
That is all, Captain. For now, at least.
It is cold and empty. I could use a thermal blanket.
Since it is incredibly boring down here
I am using the opportunity to try to get some sleep. Much the same as the last time you asked
however, I have found a way to amuse myself.
I am listening in on the mental energies of your crew -- it's quite fun!
For instance, did you know that both ensigns Holiday and Watchuki have crushes on you?
I suppose you told your crew about my little listening in, didn't you?
Now whenever I try to eavesdrop, they seem to detect my presence
and start visualizing my gruesome death in a multitude of repulsive though creative ways.
You had to go and spoil my fun, didn't you?
You know, I was just reliving some of my ancestors' stronger genetic memories
and I came upon something I thought you might be interested in hearing.
It seems that my race, the Dnyarri, once found a Precursor vessel like your own.
Well actually, it wasn't EXACTLY like yours.
It was a combat vessel -- bigger, much bigger, and it was loaded with tons of world-wrecking accoutrements.
Frankly, it made this vessel look like a tug... a real weenie.
Anyway, when the Ur-Quan so cruelly attacked us, they used that vessel
and I can only presume that they still have it in their possession.
Maybe you should find out more about that ship, Captain.
I am slowly going insane, Captain.
I don't know if you are aware of this
but there are music loops which play down here, CEASELESSLY!
I presume this was some engineer's brilliant idea
on how to keep the simple-minded loading and unloading workers happy.
I would guess that engineer didn't foresee someone ACTUALLY LIVING DOWN HERE!
I have heard the same songs AT LEAST FOUR HUNDRED TIMES!
I mean, your Mozart and Iggy Pop are fine for alien noise-makers
but PLEASE!... CHANGE THE MUSIC BEFORE I GO MAD!
Thank you, Captain, for changing the music down here.
Now, if I may, I would like to complain about the food.
It is grossly unappealing and flavorless. I deserve better.
My preference is for chunks of meat, well spiced, with a selection of fresh plant matter.
Please, no more of those sweet, doughy cylinders in the foil pouches.
I am bored.
Please send me a couple of your crew members to play with
preferably one male, and one female, though I won't be picky.
No!? You have no sense of fun, Captain.
You must have been a boring child.
I sing. I dance. I have a wild, fun time.
My life is an endless party down here, Captain. Isn't that obvious?
Captain. The Taalo device on board this vessel is giving me a headache, please remove it.
NOW, Captain! It is foolish to resist!...
Hmmm... it remains more effective than I had thought, you are still able to disobey.
Ah, well. What can I do for you, Captain?
It is less than comfy down here in your ship's hold.
Please send down some pillows.
Now what do you want?
I was asleep, gathering strength for our confrontation with the Ur-Quan.
This interruption has set me back several days. What is it?
Hello... hello ... ello... lo...
Echo... echo... ho... o...
I... i... i... Am... am... m... The... the... e... Master... master... ster... Huh?... huh?... uh?...
Oh! Captain! I didn't notice you were on the viewer.
I was just entertaining myself down here in this lonesome, cold container.
How may I be of service to you?
Oh... it is you. I was sleeping. What do you want?
Are you lonely, Captain?
Are you misunderstood by everyone else on the ship?
Is that why you KEEP CALLING ME WHEN I AM RESTING!?
Captain, I am not a particularly social creature.
I grow tired of your yammering, but since you have already awakened me
What is it?
This had better be important.
You've made it, Captain! The Sa-Matra is defenseless.
Now all you have to do is maneuver your ship next to the Sa-Matra and initiate the bomb sequence.
Your escape pod will eject automatically. Just hope you're far enough away before the ship blows.
In case you're wondering, I'm not going with you, Captain. I'm staying on board with the bomb.
Why, you ask?
BECAUSE I'M LOCKED IN HERE -- THAT'S WHY!
Okay, human, you've made it past the Sa-Matra's guards
and now you can attack the vessel itself, so listen closely.
The Sa-Matra is protected by a thick shell of fused asteroids reinforced with a weak stasis field.
You will never break through that.
The only opening through the asteroid shield is covered with a powerful force field.
One touch of that shield, and you're history, Captain.
To destroy the Sa-Matra, you will have to destroy the shield generators embedded in the asteroid shell.
There are eight of them and you must get them all before the force field falls.
When the field is down, bring in your flagship, move into the asteroid shell
and then press the big red button on your controls that starts the detonation sequence.
Your escape pod will eject automatically. Just hope you're far enough away before the ship blows.
Ok, human, this is it! The last battle, your final moment of triumph!
Don't screw up.
And in case you're wondering, I'm not going with you, Captain. I'm staying on board with the bomb.
Why, you ask?
BECAUSE I'M LOCKED IN HERE -- THAT'S WHY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, IDIOT!!
DON'T TALK TO ME!
GO ATTACK THE SA-MATRA!!
I sense the presence of my ancient slaves.
It is time, Captain.
You are not yet ready to face the Ur-Quan in a final confrontation, Captain.
You still need a weapon of sufficient destructive force to destroy the Sa-Matra
The power of the Utwig's bomb must be increased
You must strengthen your fleet
Your flagship needs additional improvements
This must be done before you are ready to attack.
We must leave now, and return when you are fully prepared.
Oh gosh, gee! I don't know. Let's just sit here and talk a while
AND IGNORE THOSE THOUSAND DREADNOUGHTS THAT ARE GOING TO CREAM US IN A FEW SECONDS!
Okay. Now, whatever you do, once I've started
DON'T LEAVE THE STAR SYSTEM!
We've only got one chance at this, let's make it good!
Here I go...
'I'm scared, Dnyarri. What if this doesn't work?'
My species have waited two hundred centuries for this moment
SO STOP BLUBBERING!
Let's get to work.
I am saving my meager powers for our final confrontation with the Ur-Quan.
Sorry, Captain. You'll just have to deal with it yourself.
The first thing I'd do is make sure I had a strong ship and fleet. Once I was tough enough to survive in hostile space
I'd spend some time exploring, trying to make allies and gather information.
After I'd done a fair bit of exploration, I would try to find out what the Ur-Quan are up to
discover who they are fighting, and why. Once I knew some general information about the Ur-Quan
I'd probably try to find their weak spot. Every race has one.
Once I knew the Ur-Quan's critical weakness
I would try to discover how to exploit this flaw.
I would learn what was necessary for the task, then gather those materials or services.
When I was finally prepared for the final confrontation with the Ur-Quan
I would use me, the Talking Pet, to distract the Ur-Quan for a single moment
thus permitting me, who is really you, to make the death-strike against the Ur-Quan.
Well, for one, I would stop asking me questions and get to work.
I consider such a question intrusive and impolite
but that is consistent with your behavior.
What do you want to know?
So I lied a little! Big deal.
I thought that if I told you the truth, you wouldn't bring me on board.
Besides, it wasn't me who did that, it was my ancient ancestors.
Were all of YOUR ancestors sweet and kind, Captain?
I thought not.
You mean my superior brain, my mental prowess?
I don't want to talk about it.
Captain, I don't think you meant to ask about my powers.
-<DIDN'T YOU MEAN TO ASK ABOUT FLOWERS?>-
Flowers are beautiful, and smell nice.
Now be a good human and
-<LEAVE ME ALONE!>-
An excellent idea, Captain. You must have a great deal of work to attend to.
Over twenty thousand years ago, my species was happy and carefree
living a life of contentment on the surface of our world Glilandy.
We spent our time gathering foods, creating art, and compelling each other to do the gross chores.
Then a ship from the Sentient Milieu landed, and things got pretty complicated.
The Sentient Milieu were a blood-thirsty Empire that ruled a large section of the galaxy for thousands of years.
If you have heard that the Milieu was a cooperative union of sentient species
it's LIES, all lies!
The Ur-Quan were just a part of the Milieu, but their dark and evil hearts
infused the entire association with a sinister ambience.
Well, after we had been in contact with the Milieu for a while
they decided to kill all of my species!
Now does that sound like a reasonable, friendly bunch of beings, Captain?
No! It does not!
Well the war was over pretty quickly, and my species lost.
Instead of just killing us, the Ur-Quan modified our genetic code sequence
so that our children were born non-sentient, dumb animals.
For the past twenty millenia, we Dnyarri have been serving the Ur-Quan
in the most demeaning way they could imagine
acting as mindless translators who communicate the words of inferior races.
That's good, I was getting sleepy.
Such great plans, such fine dreams... now, all ground to dust.
Hello, Captain. Pardon my lament, but I am feeling a bit depressed today.
You see, the black destroyers -- the Kohr-Ah- passed through recently on a killing spree
and now my Umgah, the instruments of my revenge, are all pretty much dead.
In case you are confused about who I am, and what I'm doing here, I'll explain.
I am called a `talking pet' and for many years
I served as a translating device for the Ur-Quan aboard one of their Dreadnoughts.
During this time, I possessed less intelligence than an Earth swine, but this was soon to change.
The Dreadnought came under attack by the Kohr-Ah and was severely damaged.
We made a crash-landing at a planet orbiting Alpha Pavonis. I was the only survivor.
The prospect of investigating a Dreadnought was sufficient to bring the Arilou down to the planet surface
where they found me and tried to nurse me back to health, but they could not repair all my damage.
During their ministrations, the Arilou came to realize that
so the Arilou turned to their neighbors, the Umgah, for assistance.
The Umgah saw that I had the potential for intelligence, and proceeded to modify my brain.
When I came to my senses following the final operation, a flood of thought and memory filled my mind.
I knew who I was!
I was a Dnyarri -- a member of a peaceful alien race, whose intelligence the Ur-Quan had long ago `shut off'
via cruel biogenetic manipulation.
I convinced the Umgah to assist me in effecting a magnificent revenge against the Ur-Quan
and we were just a few months away from launching our strike
when the Kohr-Ah passed through and casually slaughtered the entire Umgah species.
I believe you would say, `Bummer'.
Now here YOU are, Captain!
I have an offer: instead of killing me, I will join you on your ship.
I can be of invaluable assistance to you when it comes time for your final confrontation with the Ur-Quan.
I see you are speechless with approval. I'll be right over.